there you have it...

I haven't blogged in a long time and for good reason. I felt that if I attempted to pour out my heart with the state it had been in, I would probably say something I would regret later so I just left it alone. Although I am still healing, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I am slowly becoming the woman I want and need to be. With that being said, everyday is a new learning experience for me. Sometimes I fall back into my old habits and when I see that happening, I slap myself on the wrist and say 'stop that!'. There has been a lot of changes in my life this summer and I feel that I want to talk about them now.

First of all, I finally hit a weight loss of 60 pounds!! I love to brag about it! I can't believe how fast I dropped it. But here's the bad part, I stopped losing. Mostly because I stopped being as strict with what I was eating so I am setting new goals for myself and planning on joining the "cheap" gym down the street to start toning the flab!

Next order of business, well, is business! I recently found a new job. If you follow my post on facebook, your know it was a LONG process to get this job but I finally did. I'm not 100% certain of the position title (I think it's team lead or sales lead or something along those lines) but it is on the management team at Lane Bryant and is decent pay. You know what that means? I can start paying rent again! YAY! I am so far behind financially thanks to my previous job cutting my hours. I was making just enough money to put gas in my car, eat, and pay my phone bill. It was pathetic. I really loved the people I worked with but I just couldn't keep drowning. So I am excited for a new start.

Speaking of new starts, I am taking an acting class this semester at school. Growing up I was always real involved in church plays and in school did plays and choir. When I got to high school, I had the worst possible Theater teacher ever and ended up ditching everyday and eventually dropping the class. After that, I did a lot of pantomime dramas with my church for a couple years, then a few years ago did a few dramas at a new church. I've always missed acting and wanted to do it again but as life happened, I lost my confidence. That outgoing girl who played a "Granny" in a junior high musical, suddenly became to shy and timid to even practice in front of the drama team. This led to me giving up, but it was never far from my mind. Over the years, I watched Josh in plays/musicals and always wished I had gotten involved. Time passed and nothing ever came of it, until this summer. Josh was having problems with his bikes so one day I took him to rehearsal for the show he was in, "Grease". As I was there I was asked if I would mind helping out. It became a daily thing and I ended up for 3 weeks going to every rehearsal and helping out with all the back stage things, and I do mean ALL! I painted sets, props, decorated, dug through bins of costumes, ran errands for the director, took notes for the director, took tickets and the door, ran the spot lights and more! It reminded me of how much I LOVE theater life. Every rehearsal, I sang all the songs and wished I was on stage with the cast. I guess that was what I needed because I finally enrolled in an acting class at school. I was afraid and timid of having to get up in front of people but today, the first day of class, it all came back to me. First of all, AMAZING teacher! If I had her in high school, I would have never stopped acting! I am so excited to work with her and learn new techniques and become confident. But I digress; In class it really did come back to me. We did these exercises where you had to make eye contact and slowly move in closer to a partner. My partner would NOT look at me, unless it was my boobs or my feet. I wanted to slap him! But I found it was so so easy to keep a straight face and keep eye contact because I felt that "on stage" feeling. I used to get it all the time. I would laugh and laugh and goof off in rehearsals, but once that music started, and I was on stage, I transformed. That's what I want to get back to. So I am ecstatic about taking this course. Who knows, maybe it will open new doors for me.

Then there's this; I know people keep asking me so I'm just going to put it out there. I keep hearing this question "Are you and Josh back together?" or "Whats up with you and Josh?". Here it is: No we are not back together but he is still one of my closest friends. We've always had an amazing chemistry and we were able to find that again over the summer. He is still a very important person in my life and when you still want someone in your life, it is easy to forgive and forget. People tell me things like "Be careful" or "bad idea" and really, I appreciate the concern, but this is still my life. I am going to live it in the way I see fit. All I need from you, is to say "I got your back, no matter what you decide to do with your life". And that goes for all aspects of my life. I know I don't always make the best decisions, with all kinds of things, but I need to know that my friends are going to love me anyway. Go ahead, say I told you so in the end but let me figure it out on my own, please.

Lastly, speaking of friends...in the preceding months, as I struggled to find myself again, I pushed away a lot of friends. For that, I am truly sorry. I know my negativity was outrageous for awhile and some people needed to get away from that. I have recently reconnected with quite a few friends and for that I am thankful. Awhile ago, I woke up and realized that I wasn't going anywhere by letting myself sink to the ground. I thought I was trying so damn hard but in reality, I knew what I had to do but was sitting it out. It wasn't until I got up and did it, that my life transformed. Like I said, everyday is still a learning experience, but I'll be there, with open arms.

What defines me?

So I have been getting a lot of grief for some post on Facebook or comments that I have made about "reasons for wanting to be thin". I am told they are superficial and I just need to love myself. This is a very discouraging statement to me being that my whole life I have been told that I am not accepted because of my weight and I need to be thin. Now that I am working so hard towards being thin, I'm told I just need to love myself. This is causing a lot of inner turmoil and confusion. First I want to say, when someone is working so hard for their goals, why criticize them and put them down? Even if the reasoning is not something you necessary agree with, why can't others just be happy that the person is doing something. I spent a great deal of my life, being controlled by my weight. I have always struggled with being insecure and have let my weight hinder me from living a life that I want. I decided I didn't want it to have that control over me anymore and it needed to go. Since I have made this choice, I have been more active, have gone out more, have had my self esteem boosted (even just slightly but enough to notice), and have been more or less happier with myself. Yes I do have superficial goals like wearing a bikini on the beach and that's because I've spent my life in oversized t-shirts and one piece swim suits feeling like a beached whale. Of course I want to be the one in the hot bikini because I worked so damn hard for it. I'm sorry if that offends people but it is what it is. But what people don't understand is there is so much more to this weight loss dream than "superficial" attributes. I am sick and tired of having something in my life that controls me. It is a serious problem for me. It has caused me to suffer from depression and caused me to push others out of my life. It has caused me to hide away from the world and miss out on so much. I used to get winded walking around the grocery store so I just wouldn't go. I never wanted to do anything. Now, I walk a few miles a day, and even started jogging as well. The point I'm getting at here is I'm actually doing something instead of wasting away. I'm actually getting up and working hard. And I feel good about it. Isn't that a good enough reason for me to want to be fit? To feel good and not be depressed? Well, I know that there is more internal issues that I have to sort out that have nothing to do with my weight so my friend encouraged me to make a list of things I like about me, things that have nothing to do with my weight, and then focus on making those things better and letting those things define who I am and not let my body define who I am. So that's my next challenge, figure out what really defines me. Because when this weight is gone, who am I really?

in the right direction...

Starting therapy was the best decision I have ever made. Tonight was my second session and I'm sad that it's already over. She listens to me talk and then points out things; She brought to light that I have a tendency to not let myself feel good about myself. I will start with a positive thought then immediately go negative. Turns out I have internalized judgement from others and just judge myself, and am a bit obsessive over it. I'm not really going to get into everything we talked about but I will say that going is already helping me. And I really like her, A LOT! anyway, she did point out that she can tell that I am fighting to get better and even though I have my moments when I'm devastated, in tears, and not wanting to do anything, that I am struggling to pull myself out of it. She said that I am doing surprisingly well considering my circumstances but we still have a lot of work to do. I really am fighting to get better. I am fighting for me.

I know I have posted this song and quotes from this song, but it's really the only song I want to listen to these days. The lyrics are word for word what I am going through and listening to the song helps keep me in a positive mood. So again, I will post it, because "I'll be alright, just not tonight, but someday..."

Gonna Get Over You - Sara Bareilles

On a different note, I am totally stoked about the fact that I have lost 45 pounds. I had been feeling discouraged and feeling like it really wasn't all that noticeable. The numbers are going down, my clothes are huge, but when I look in the mirror I still feel huge! So I found a picture of me from January before I started eating healthy and working out. I decided to compare pictures so I put on the same dress and had Andrea snap a quick shot of me. Once I put them together, I was blown away! I couldn't believe the difference! I was totally encouraging to me and re-motivated me! I still have over 100 pounds to go but I've already lost 1/3 of my total weight loss goal! How awesome is that?!?! I really can't stop staring at the picture! So I'll just leave it right here for now:

Anyway, so this concludes my blog for now.

Be ok

I wasn't really sure about whether or not I was going to share that I have started therapy. It is something that is embarrassing to me for the simple fact that I'm 28 and need therapy. I have been through a lot in my life that most people do not know about and I have a lot of deep rooted issues that seem to be surfacing more and more the older I get. It has caused serious strain on friendships, relationships, and my feelings about myself. It has to change.

I was fortunate enough to have taken a Psychology class this past spring semester with an amazing teacher. As I have been going through some really hard times lately, I made a few comments on reflection papers that I had been battling depression for awhile. She reached out to me and offered to help me (as she is a licensed therapist) at a reasonable price being that I have no money. Tonight was the first night I met with her. I really didn't know what to expect, but I did what I do best and I just spilled my guts. We actually went over my time a little bit. I was nice to hear that I am not crazy but that I have a lot of things that do need to be sorted out. I was nice to have someone just listen to me without saying "get over it" or "you deserve better anyway". I was just nice. She immediately was able to realize that I was there for a good reason. Not just because of the breakup which most people think is the only thing that's got me down. No, that was just the pushing point of my life that I realized I'm not okay. I push people away from me then I am devastated when they leave. I have little self worth and I'm pretty much afraid of the world. I can spew out lines of confidence all day long on facebook but when it comes down to it, I'm outright terrified of this world and the people in it. As the session ended and I was about to leave I felt like I had hands around my throat strangling me. She asked me why I had anxiety about leaving and all I could say is "because now I have to go back out into the world". With that being said, I decided to take a break from facebook for awhile. I find that when I log in, I am being hurt by some comment or the lack of acknowledgement or whatever the case may be. Facebook is one of the number one causes of my anxiety. Until I can work that out, I need to just stay away. I can't keep allowing myself to go through this much pain and anguish. I have got to fix me. I have to figure out who I am and I have to find my self worth. Right about now, I feel pretty worthless. I feel unimportant and disposable. I need to overcome this if I ever want to be ok. And that is one thing that I need in my life, to be ok.

Be Ok - Ingrid Michaelson

what's going on?!

It's been awhile since I've blogged anything and for good reason. I hit a really rough patch for about 2 weeks and felt that it would not be beneficial for me to put all my emotions on display (well at least not anymore than the depressing songs I was posting on facebook). I just needed to work through them. I did, and I still am. It's going to be a long time before I can wake up and not have a ball of anxiety in my chest and not have to fight tears when I hear a certain song. The point is, I know what I need to do and I'm doing it no matter how hard it gets and how much I want to give up. I will not allow myself to go back to who I was. With that being said, I figure I should update those of you who are routing for me.

I started taking voice lessons. I have many reasons for this; first being that I love to sing and always wished I was good at it. I used to be in choir but I lost the control over my voice and started only singing with my head voice (which doesn't always sound that great). Another reason is to build confidence and learn to overcome my social anxieties. I'm really excited about it, especially to learn how to really use my voice.

I also decided to wait on going to Salon Success Academy mostly due to the fact that I don't have the money to pay for the registration fees and I waited too long to try to go and my financial aid was already sent to Chaffey. So I'm going to continue taking courses at Chaffey for now. Starting with summer school! I've never taken summer school so this will be interesting. I'm going to take English since it will be easier to focus on the homework when I only have the one course. Plus it will occupy some of my time, which would be nice. The best part, I got my text book online for $6! Score!!!

Anyhow, the weight loss challenge continues. It's slowed down and it's a bit discouraging but I know it's healthier to lose at a steady rate and not drop 10 pounds a week. It does feel great though to be eating healthier and exercising. I have a goal of getting to 150 pounds but I'm just not sure what that looks like so I'm guessing between 150-175. I want to look something like this picture.I don't want to be a twig but I want a fairly flat tummy and to be thick yet fit! So the journey continues....

blah.....

I don't really know how to put my thoughts together because they are so jumbled. I apologize in advance to whoever reads this because it might get sloppy. First of all, I really hate this. It has been the longest and most painful three weeks of my life. Which ironically enough is making me push harder to get better, but it seems the harder I try to do and be better and happy, the more I feel sad and weakened. It's like there are weights on my feet trying to sink me and they are getting heavier the longer I try to say afloat. I cry more now, and I mean cry. I've never cried like this in my life. It scares me sometimes because I feel like I won't be able to stop. I've cried hysterically for 4 hours straight the other day. Then there are days I try to put a smile on and have a good time, but I can't stop the memories from playing like a movie in my mind. Every single solitary thing I do has some sort of attachment to him. I can't escape it. Believe me, I wish I could but I can't. I feel so haunted. Everyday I go for a walk or do a workout video, I spend time around people, watch movies, draw/paint, read a book or whatever the case may be. I try to find inner peace. All I find is that I feel so empty and shallow. I have no depth. No intellectual thoughts, no special story, nothing interesting about me. Didn't I used to be interesting? I'm pretty sure that there used to be more to me than this...what am I? Who am I? Even now as I sit here, trying to think about who I am, my mind is consumed with how much I want to kiss his sweet lips. I didn't kiss him enough. I used to, then it stopped. Why did it stop? How is it he is happier without me when I feel like I could just stop existing at any given second? Sometimes I wish I could erase my memories like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". Sometimes the pain and the memories are the only thing that remind me he's real. I feel so lost. I feel like I'm all over the place with my emotions. I actually called my church to see if they offer counseling because I don't have health insurance for actually therapy but the receptionist said she will have to talk with the Pastor and call me back. I would really like to talk to a psychologist about my anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. This is something I've struggled with long before and now it all feels so magnified. I don't even know what to say anymore. My head feels like it's going to explode.....

I miss him sooooo much...
that is all......

Eye of the Storm...

I knew today wasn't going to be an easy day when I woke up this morning. After another beautiful dream of him, I woke up and then shed a few tears but suppressed it so I could get up and go to work. I drove to work, feeling numb to my surroundings. After about 2 hours of cleaning, one of the ladies from the office came up to me and asked if I was okay. No one at work knew I was going through anything and I didn't cry or act differently. She could just sense something was wrong. So I spent a few minutes telling her about what was going on and without having this thought previously I had told her that what makes it the hardest is every other time, the guy was a jerk or did something wrong but this time it was me. I'm not blaming me self for everything that went wrong, but the biggest problem in the relationship was me and how I was acting and the lack of trying on my part. I gave up on myself and he spent so long trying to lift me up and just couldn't do it anymore. As I went back to cleaning these thoughts danced around in my head. I left work with a smile on my face, got to my car, and burst into tears. I sat in my car for about 30 minutes crying then cried the whole way home and then was sooooo mad at myself for crying. I want so badly to just be okay and start making my life better. I was trying so hard to keep it together that I wasn't allowing myself to just hurt and it all came out at one time. Is there even a way to be this hurt but still find happiness? I'm taking the steps on the outside to better my life but on the inside it's like hurricane season. During the eye of the storm, I'm calm and all is well, it's almost scary. But then when the storm hits, there's just mass destruction. All I see in my mind is his beautiful blue eyes and how I never spent enough time looking into his eyes. My hands long to hold his or play with his hair or rub his back. My lips desire the sweet pressure of his against them. And all I can think about is how lately, I took all these things and more for granted. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just feeling an overwhelming amount of pain today. I'm going to do my best to focus it towards something like my art. I was really hesitant to even put anything out into the world about how I'm feeling for the simple fact that I want him to see that I am getting better, I want my friends to see that I'm getting better, and I want myself to realize that I'm getting better. I just feel like blogging is staying true to myself and it's therapeutic for me to write my thoughts down (or type them in this case). My other fear is people putting him down, saying I can do better. Do you not realize how much that hurts me? Someone said it's like saying I had bad judgement in the first place. Josh is the best thing that could have ever happened to me and I love him more than anyone will ever know. I still hope and pray that someday things will work out. Only time will tell...In the mean time, this song is exactly how I feel today. It's as if she took the words from my heart...

"I Never Told You" Colbie Caillat

I miss those blue eyes, how you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise, like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you what I should have said
No, I never told you, I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you
I can't believe it, I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you, without you

I see your blue eyes every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to, when I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you what I should have said
No, I never told you, I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you
(Still, you're gone)
I can't believe it, I still want you
(And I'm lovin' you, I never should've walked away)
After all the things we've been through
(I know it's never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you, without you

But I never told you what I should have said
No, I never told you, I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you
(Still, you're gone)
I can't believe it, I still want you
(And I'm lovin' you, I never should've walked away)
After all the things we've been through
(I know it's never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you, without you

day job...

For the past two years I have been going to Chaffey and I'm starting to think that I'm just wasting my time. I love my photography classes but other than that, I HATE SCHOOL! I keep dropping my classes because I'm not interested in them and I am dreading taking classes like biology and more math classes. Lately I've been thinking about what I'm even doing there and been thinking about ALL (emphasis on ALL) the things I wanted to do over the years and thought about what is REALISTIC for ME. I was reminded of all the times I went to some sort of beauty school for information but never pursued it further than that. I never thought I would be able to afford it. The more I get into my photography classes, my teacher talks about how we need a day job because it's like a 5% chance that I would actually get a steady income from photography. Most of the work is freelance. So I've been wracking my brains about a day job, scared that I will be stuck working retail for the rest of my life or become some corporate tool. Today, when I went into Sally's beauty supply and then proceeded to make my hair AWESOME, I was reminded about how I used to want to do that for a profession and how all through high school I did everyone's hair. Then I thought, well why don't I? I can still do freelance photography plus I wouldn't need to hire a stylist for my models. But what about all I've done at Chaffey? Well, tomorrow I'm going to talk to my counselor about what I need to do to complete my certificate in Photography. I have an idea, but this way, it cuts out all the classes that will just waste my time, money, and energy. Tomorrow I'm also going to go back to one of the schools I inquired from a couple years ago because they accept the Fasfa (which I'm already approved for). When the next set of classes starts, I'd like to start. This means I will being doing Beauty School AND Chaffey. It's going to be hard but it should take less than a year at Beauty School and I've already given Chaffey two years and have gained very little. As a hair stylist I will still be able to do my photography, but I won't be freaking out over my income. So this time next year, I should be doing hair and makeup! I'm not going to let myself chicken out this time. I'm just going to do it. Who knows, maybe I'll be doing hair and make up for the "stars" someday, AND taking their headshots!! :P

No day but today...

I've had endless hours of self reflection and I've discovered things about myself that I just don't like and will no longer tolerate of myself. At first I cried "why? Why would he do this to me?" and played things over and over in my head but then I saw a version of me that was just plain disgusting. I was cruel and unkind at times then I would brag about how awesome I am, never taking fault for my short comings but then I would turn around and fight with him for his. I never listened to him when he said something bothered him or hurt him. I was stuck in a delusion that I was a God send and I could do no wrong. Don't be mistaken, yes I should have confidence in myself but how I acted was terrible! I am still so heart broken over the whole situation but at the same time I starting to see that I needed my bubble to be popped. I was acting foolish. Everything is soo clear to me now and it's time to grow up. Time to stop striving for attention in negative ways but be a strong confident woman that I know I can be. Maybe in time, he will see who I can be and it will captivate him. Maybe it won't but regardless I cannot continue to be the monster I allowed myself to become. Life is waiting for me. I can't keep sitting around waiting for something to happen or for someone else to do something about it. Its time for a make over from the inside out. How can I ever make someone else happy if I don't learn to be happy with myself?! The time is now...

broken....oh so broken......

I probably shouldn't blog right now. I'm not in the best state of mind. I'm really confused and heart broken. After four and a half years, my boyfriend broke up with me. I could tell something was bothering him and I asked him if he was happy. He said no. When I asked him what that meant, he said I knew what that meant. I was floored. I never in a million years expected him to say that. I thought he'd say maybe he was going through stuff and it would be better. I honestly truly believed that I would be with him forever. He's my best friend, my love, my everything, and now I have to accept that he's gone. I'm so confused and I have so many conflicting thoughts. Part of me thinks that he will work out whatever he's going through then come back to me and we can work on us together, part of me hates myself for being jealous and controlling and pushing him away, part of me hates him for just giving up without fighting, part of me hates him for not giving me a chance to fight, part of me can't let go, part of me wants to let go if he's not happy. UGH...I just don't want to feel anything. He's has made me a better person over the last 4 1/2 years and I thought I was sooo lucky. Other people should be jealous of what he had because it was epic. And it was at one time, then it wasn't.....And I would nag him for not bringing me flowers or nag him for not taking me out more...All the while I really didn't care, I just love him. How could I be so blind? How did I not realize that I was pushing him away. How come he didn't tell me how he felt so we could work together? I just can't comprehend how this all happened. I honestly believed that we'd be together forever.  I mean I still got butterflies and would get sooo excited when I got to see him. When he smiled, my whole world was ok. When he kissed me, I felt like it was heaven. How do I just accept that "we aren't right for each other"? I don't want any one you to hate him or say anything to him. If he was unhappy, I can't make him stay in a relationship with me. I still love him with all my heart and I still want him in my life. At least for now, I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'm not ready to let go.

the not so diet effects....

People have been telling me for years the Diet Coke is not good for me. "yeah yeah I know" is my constant attitude as I down another one. I can seriously go through a 12 pack a day...it's ridiculous. I've read all kinds of studies about what it can do and still I continue to drink it. I always feel so yucky and I have a huge feeling that is why my stomach ALWAYS hurts!!! Today, as I poured my cup, I said to myself, this is my last cup. I sat down to the computer and when I opened up my browser, yahoo news had an article about Diet Coke. So I opened it and read it. Not that it's any different that the other ones I've read before, but I think I'm ready to give it up. Plus, I did finally step on a scale and I haven't lost any weight. Luckily I didn't gain any but with all my hard work, I should be losing. In the article it started that Diet Coke actually increases your weight. That was the extra push I needed! I am working entirely too hard to not be losing anything! I look around my bedroom and there are empty cans everywhere. It's pretty sad. So today (after I finish this glass of course) I'm giving up Diet Coke. So friends, if you see me go to reach for one, or if I order one, slap me and help me stay accountable!!!

http://health.yahoo.net/experts/dayinhealth/diet-soda-addictive

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (not all in that order)

So, as of my last post, I planned to stay positive and keep on truckin. Yea that is a whole lot harder than it seems. I still have yet to find a job. Which I'm getting really nervous about. It's hard to keep my head up above water with this weighing me down. But I keep turning in applications and praying for a call back.

I haven't been as strict as I need to be with my Weight Watchers or exercising. I missed a few of my classes and ate really bad food for a couple weeks. I refuse to step on a scale for awhile so I don't get too discouraged but today I had to put on a belt because my pants kept falling (more than usual) and the best part, I had to go back an extra loop to make it tighter. I was blown away. This weight thing is such a burden. I can't believe I let myself get to this point but this is why I am changing it! I know for the rest of my life it's going to be a struggle but to be able to look at a picture of myself (that I didn't take at a high angle and manipulate to make me look thinner) and not be disgusted is worth the hard work. Besides, I'm starting to like salads! They're aren't so bad. Plus, I haven't gone to a drive thru in at least a month. There have been things like go to Rubios or Red Robin or other sit down restaurants, but these are rare occasions. It is a great feat for me to go from literally driving thru some nasty fast food place 3-4 times a day to just cold turkey! The thought of it actually grosses me out now. Who am I?! :p So the journey continues...next step, lay off the wine!

In the midst of my struggle as being me, I have a hard time feeling comfortable in my own skin. I feel as if I'm judged every time I go anywhere. I know it happens because it's hard not to judge people. We are cruel beings. Most of the time, I scared to go to big events with a lot of people because I'm scared of being made fun of for being over weight (thank you childhood bullies for that). So this weekend, Josh asked me if I would like to go with him to our friend Kenny's house for a movie marathon party/weekend. I was excited and terrified at the same time. I knew a lot of people where going to be there but I also I couldn't keep drowning in my loneliness and depression. How I am suppose to overcome it if I lock myself away in my room all the time? When we got to Kenny's house, you could hear a large crowd from outside the house. I started to have a panic attack and clung close to Josh as we walked in. Immediately a group of people ran up to greet Josh (they mostly all knew him already) and then welcomed me with hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. I immediately pulled out my cell phone sort of as a defense mechanism and text Ashley that I was overwhelmed. Before I could read her reply, I was pulled to the kitchen and we were handed shots of Whiskey. Now, I don't do brown liquor. It is NASTY to me. However for some reason, I took the shot glass. I had my cell in one hand and the glass in the other. I was about to hand it off to someone when I looked at my phone again, and put it in my pocket and took the shot. YUP, Whiskey IS nasty! :) But it was at that moment when I decided that we didn't drive nearly 2 hours for me to sit in the corner and text. So with the phone away, I continued to meet new people. Best part, people would come up to me and talk to me. I felt the insecurities melt away and I was so comfortable. We played games and watched movies and danced and goofed around. It was a blast. There wasn't a need for me to hide behind Josh all night. Matter of fact, we didn't really hang out together as much as me with some people and him with others, then we would all intermingle. Before I knew it, it was almost 3 am and time for bed. A bunch of us piled into Kenny's room...haha well actually 5 guys and then me. Yeah, lots of laughter and inside jokes became of that situation. Anyway, the next morning, breakfast and another movie then off to Vasquez Rock. If you don't know what it is, look it up! Craziness. Although I struggled with the climbing, mostly because I'm not good with heights, I'm not very coordinated and extremely clumsy! But some of the group would wait for me and Josh was very patient with me (at least on the outside but I know he really wanted to be up with the rest of the group...sorry babe). I was so embarrassed that I struggled with it and I was the last one, but Kenny and one of the girls Jen were so awesome to me about it. Jen and I talked about everything (well mostly WoW) and Kenny found other routes that we're not so steep while Josh held my hand or caught me when I needed it. All in all, I only tripped once (banged up my knee pretty bad), I slid maybe two or three times but caught myself and fell on my bum once. Not bad for my track record! Afterwards (when I was about to pass out) I started looking at the pictures I took on the way and grew extremely proud that I was able to do what I did. Most people my weight and with my level of clumsiness would not have survived. I'm pretty damn proud of myself! Take that Vasquez Rocks!!! By the next time, I will be further in my aerobics class and have lost more weight so with my endurance built up I should be able to move a little faster! You have not seen the last of me!!! After that, we went for lunch and then back to Kenny's for more fun and movie madness. Sadly it all came to an end, but before I even left Kenny's, I got a friend request from one of the girls I met. Then I got one from one of the guys. I was astonished because even though I felt at ease and not judged for my weight, in the back of my mind I still had the idea lingering that they were being nice just because. I made a comment to Josh that I was sure that was going to be it for the friend request but as of today I keep getting more and more. Some have even started following me on Twitter. I love it. I loved everyone I met and I'm ecstatic that I walked away with friends (some of which are from The Guild, how awesome is that?!). Nerds really are awesome and I'm so happy to be a part of it all! Thank you everyone for being so wonderful to me and I can't wait until the next time!

Challenge Accepted....

Eight days ago, I turned 28 years old. This caused me to spiral into a deep depression for a few days. All I could think about is how I can't find a job and when I do, I always hate it, and I don't have any money, and my boyfriend doesn't want to marry me, and I have no friends to spend time with, I'm never going to loose this weight, I'm not pretty enough, and so on and so forth. I spent 2 days not leaving my bed but having a massive pity party for myself. Yesterday, I decided enough as enough. I spent a little extra time making myself up by curling my hair and doing a little extra make up and wearing an outfit I thought was cute (even though the boyfriend didn't) but then I spent a great part of the day seeking his approval. So what he didn't like my outfit but he asked why I needed his approval if my goal was just to make myself feel better about myself; why was I so concerned with his approval? I didn't realize how right he was. Then all day I kept thinking about how I've done everything in life for the approval of others. I decided it was time to change that. Other people aren't the ones who live my life so why do I care if my living space looks like a cover on Better Homes and Gardens, or if the music that is blaring is what society says is cool, or if my outfit was this season's latest fashion. Before I went to bed last night I decided I needed to change my way of thinking. Today, when I woke up, without really pushing myself or forcing myself, I did all my laundry, took out all of my dresser drawers and folded everything in them (even matched socks-and I am interested in learning where the partners are to some of them since all my laundry is clean), I organized my closet and cleaned up my room. I sat down afterwards and decided to open up my netflix and see what's good to watch. I was scrolling through my instant queue when I saw a documentary about "The Secret" was about to expire from instant watch. I decided now is as good of time as any to watch it. End result: MIND BLOWN! Different people talked about how to change your life from all the negativity and make it positive. I then realized, I did that without even realizing it. I changed my thought process yesterday about one thing and today, I got out of bed and actually did something. Then I realized that I used to do things like visualize something that I wanted and I would get it. For instance, jobs. In my early 20's (which feels like oh so long ago) I have a string of awesome jobs that I loved and one of them was even just given to me because the owner of that business observed me in my other job and knew I would be a great employee. I used to visualize a job that I wanted and would get it. I wasn't nervous about the interviews or worry about if they liked me, I just knew I would get the job. And I did. This time of my life, I had also lost 60 pounds without really trying. Yes I worked in a sandwich shop and ate sandwiches a lot instead of fast food, but it was the way my life was going. Everything was working together for the better. Only problem is I had a friend that was into some extremely negative things at the time. Unfortunately, I was brought down too. A long series of bad events just kept happening to me and I just became more and more negative. I spent two years in an abusive controlling relationship because I didn't think I could do anything better for myself. I lost all my friends, I lost valuable time with my family, and I lost myself. One day I looked into the mirror and did not like what I saw. It was time to change. I told my boss at the time who I became really good friends with about what was going on and she always encouraged me to change the situation. I made a penpal online because it was something he had no control over and she encouraged me to leave. I started to reach out to friends and even though it took 6 months from the point that I said I needed change to actually do something about it, it happened. I grabbed my stuff and I left. I went through some intense emotional stuff for a long time after that and I am soooo thankful for the people in my life who stood by me. Even though I still went through another bad, well I can't even call it a relationship, but a bad "experience", it brought me to where I am. I still find it amazing that this guy that strung me along for a year with a fake identity, made one wrong turn that made me call him out on everything on a Tuesday and that following Sunday I met the man I am in love with and have been in a relationship with for four and a half years. True it hasn't been easy but most of that comes from being broken into a million pieces when he found me and he's actually taken the time to glue those pieces back together. Sometimes I don't let the glue dry and I shake things up a bit but he's so patient with me and he knows that no matter what I still love him. This brings me to two days ago when in my deep depression, I started a fight with him, via text messages (which are the worst). I started throwing my pity party at him and he, even though frustrated as ever, told me my life is better than over 85% of the population and I needed to stop my bitching. I didn't respond to him because I knew he was right. I talked to him hours later and asked him if he wanted to go to lunch the next day since we needed a date. The next day was the day I spent a little extra time getting ready because I wanted to look good and feel good. This brings me to tonight, when I decided to watch "The Secret". It was pointed out to me that our negativity only brings more negativity into our lives. The more we focus on it, it cripples us and keeps us from ever getting better. It also talked about loving yourself. How can anyone else love me if I don't love myself first. Wait a minute, I've heard that before. That's no secret. The secret is actually doing it daily and making yourself better; being thankful for what you do have and not what you don't have; visualizing a life that you want and making it happen. Yeah, I'm never going to loose weight by sitting here complaining about it, and I'm never going to get out of debt if I let it consume me and no I won't ever get married if I continue to hate myself. I wouldn't want to marry that either. I'm tried and I'm done with all the negativity in my life. It's time to take control and turn it around. I do have so much to be thankful for and I will have more to be thankful for. Time to believe in myself and make it happen. As far as my friend who had brought negativity into my life so many years ago, well she's turned her life around as well. She has a lot going for her but I want to say this: Friend, stop letting the past control who you are today. Stop letting those negative emotions continue to haunt you. I challenge you as I have challenged myself to leave the past in the past and forget about it. Time to focus on the future and all it's gifts! Same for anyone else who took the time to read my introverted rantings that I like to post on the web for everyone to see. Actually, I prefer to just blog anyway. I came to the conclusion years ago that even when I write in a journal, I would write in such a way that I expected someone someday to read it. So now I wear my heart on my sleeve for anyone who's interested. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will take on this challenge of making my life better for myself. "Challenge Accepted"

Short and sweet....

I've been listening to Third Eye Blind's first album for a couple days and I have soooo many memories attached to that album. Memories that date back to being the weird girl in jr high, to being the lost girl in high school, to my first job, to starting to break out of my ugly duckling stage and meet guys, to now, when my boyfriend who loves that album just as much drove around singing the songs to me. It just makes think about my life and how in a couple weeks I'm turning 28! 28?!?!?  Not to mention, this year is my 10 year High School reunion. HOLY COW!!!!! Were did the time go? I can't believe how fast time goes by. The funny thing though, I'm still weird, I'm still lost, and I still make self discoveries about myself. I'm still getting to know me and figure out who I am. Who says I have to have it all figured out by now? So what if I'm not married with kids, or a super model, or have a massive degree, or making millions of dollars (although it would be nice). Point is, I'm happy. And the things that make me unhappy, I'm working on and changing them. I'm not a hundred percent sure if I will go to my renunion just because I barely even went to high school itself :p but if I do, I'm half tempted to rock an old Hanson shirt. You know why? Because I am still me...

Sad Nicole is sad.....

Today sucks soooo bad. I woke up this morning feeling ok. I started to clean my room and went down stairs to take the trash out. I noticed that someone tagged on my car. OH HOW LOVELY! I can't believe people. So I'm mad about that, come back upstairs and my cat attacked me. My arms look like I stuck them in a blender and the blender won. I managed to get her into a her cage but decided I can't live like this. She keeps attacking me for no reason. Last night she was all over me and loving on me then today, demon cat. It got to the point that I was scared of her. I called around seeing if I could "surrender" her but no one would take her because of her "behavioral issues". My options were to put her outside and risk her getting seriously injured from a coyote or a car since I right by a high school and freeway OR put her down OR continue to have her attack me. Gallons of tears later, I decided to put her to sleep. I'm so heart broken. She was only 3 and I hate that it happened this way. The vet said she might be acting out because she just isn't adapting to my new house. She also said sometimes cats just snap and become extremely violent. I balled my eyes out. I am so thankful that I have a great boyfriend who just held me and knew that I just needed to cry. He came back to my house and helped me clean out all the cat stuff. I lost it when I saw her little teddy bear that she's had since she was a baby. She would carry it around by the foot and cuddle with it. Man, my heart hurts so bad right now. I wish she didn't go crazy :( I miss my kitty......