Be ok

I wasn't really sure about whether or not I was going to share that I have started therapy. It is something that is embarrassing to me for the simple fact that I'm 28 and need therapy. I have been through a lot in my life that most people do not know about and I have a lot of deep rooted issues that seem to be surfacing more and more the older I get. It has caused serious strain on friendships, relationships, and my feelings about myself. It has to change.

I was fortunate enough to have taken a Psychology class this past spring semester with an amazing teacher. As I have been going through some really hard times lately, I made a few comments on reflection papers that I had been battling depression for awhile. She reached out to me and offered to help me (as she is a licensed therapist) at a reasonable price being that I have no money. Tonight was the first night I met with her. I really didn't know what to expect, but I did what I do best and I just spilled my guts. We actually went over my time a little bit. I was nice to hear that I am not crazy but that I have a lot of things that do need to be sorted out. I was nice to have someone just listen to me without saying "get over it" or "you deserve better anyway". I was just nice. She immediately was able to realize that I was there for a good reason. Not just because of the breakup which most people think is the only thing that's got me down. No, that was just the pushing point of my life that I realized I'm not okay. I push people away from me then I am devastated when they leave. I have little self worth and I'm pretty much afraid of the world. I can spew out lines of confidence all day long on facebook but when it comes down to it, I'm outright terrified of this world and the people in it. As the session ended and I was about to leave I felt like I had hands around my throat strangling me. She asked me why I had anxiety about leaving and all I could say is "because now I have to go back out into the world". With that being said, I decided to take a break from facebook for awhile. I find that when I log in, I am being hurt by some comment or the lack of acknowledgement or whatever the case may be. Facebook is one of the number one causes of my anxiety. Until I can work that out, I need to just stay away. I can't keep allowing myself to go through this much pain and anguish. I have got to fix me. I have to figure out who I am and I have to find my self worth. Right about now, I feel pretty worthless. I feel unimportant and disposable. I need to overcome this if I ever want to be ok. And that is one thing that I need in my life, to be ok.

Be Ok - Ingrid Michaelson