Challenge Accepted....

Eight days ago, I turned 28 years old. This caused me to spiral into a deep depression for a few days. All I could think about is how I can't find a job and when I do, I always hate it, and I don't have any money, and my boyfriend doesn't want to marry me, and I have no friends to spend time with, I'm never going to loose this weight, I'm not pretty enough, and so on and so forth. I spent 2 days not leaving my bed but having a massive pity party for myself. Yesterday, I decided enough as enough. I spent a little extra time making myself up by curling my hair and doing a little extra make up and wearing an outfit I thought was cute (even though the boyfriend didn't) but then I spent a great part of the day seeking his approval. So what he didn't like my outfit but he asked why I needed his approval if my goal was just to make myself feel better about myself; why was I so concerned with his approval? I didn't realize how right he was. Then all day I kept thinking about how I've done everything in life for the approval of others. I decided it was time to change that. Other people aren't the ones who live my life so why do I care if my living space looks like a cover on Better Homes and Gardens, or if the music that is blaring is what society says is cool, or if my outfit was this season's latest fashion. Before I went to bed last night I decided I needed to change my way of thinking. Today, when I woke up, without really pushing myself or forcing myself, I did all my laundry, took out all of my dresser drawers and folded everything in them (even matched socks-and I am interested in learning where the partners are to some of them since all my laundry is clean), I organized my closet and cleaned up my room. I sat down afterwards and decided to open up my netflix and see what's good to watch. I was scrolling through my instant queue when I saw a documentary about "The Secret" was about to expire from instant watch. I decided now is as good of time as any to watch it. End result: MIND BLOWN! Different people talked about how to change your life from all the negativity and make it positive. I then realized, I did that without even realizing it. I changed my thought process yesterday about one thing and today, I got out of bed and actually did something. Then I realized that I used to do things like visualize something that I wanted and I would get it. For instance, jobs. In my early 20's (which feels like oh so long ago) I have a string of awesome jobs that I loved and one of them was even just given to me because the owner of that business observed me in my other job and knew I would be a great employee. I used to visualize a job that I wanted and would get it. I wasn't nervous about the interviews or worry about if they liked me, I just knew I would get the job. And I did. This time of my life, I had also lost 60 pounds without really trying. Yes I worked in a sandwich shop and ate sandwiches a lot instead of fast food, but it was the way my life was going. Everything was working together for the better. Only problem is I had a friend that was into some extremely negative things at the time. Unfortunately, I was brought down too. A long series of bad events just kept happening to me and I just became more and more negative. I spent two years in an abusive controlling relationship because I didn't think I could do anything better for myself. I lost all my friends, I lost valuable time with my family, and I lost myself. One day I looked into the mirror and did not like what I saw. It was time to change. I told my boss at the time who I became really good friends with about what was going on and she always encouraged me to change the situation. I made a penpal online because it was something he had no control over and she encouraged me to leave. I started to reach out to friends and even though it took 6 months from the point that I said I needed change to actually do something about it, it happened. I grabbed my stuff and I left. I went through some intense emotional stuff for a long time after that and I am soooo thankful for the people in my life who stood by me. Even though I still went through another bad, well I can't even call it a relationship, but a bad "experience", it brought me to where I am. I still find it amazing that this guy that strung me along for a year with a fake identity, made one wrong turn that made me call him out on everything on a Tuesday and that following Sunday I met the man I am in love with and have been in a relationship with for four and a half years. True it hasn't been easy but most of that comes from being broken into a million pieces when he found me and he's actually taken the time to glue those pieces back together. Sometimes I don't let the glue dry and I shake things up a bit but he's so patient with me and he knows that no matter what I still love him. This brings me to two days ago when in my deep depression, I started a fight with him, via text messages (which are the worst). I started throwing my pity party at him and he, even though frustrated as ever, told me my life is better than over 85% of the population and I needed to stop my bitching. I didn't respond to him because I knew he was right. I talked to him hours later and asked him if he wanted to go to lunch the next day since we needed a date. The next day was the day I spent a little extra time getting ready because I wanted to look good and feel good. This brings me to tonight, when I decided to watch "The Secret". It was pointed out to me that our negativity only brings more negativity into our lives. The more we focus on it, it cripples us and keeps us from ever getting better. It also talked about loving yourself. How can anyone else love me if I don't love myself first. Wait a minute, I've heard that before. That's no secret. The secret is actually doing it daily and making yourself better; being thankful for what you do have and not what you don't have; visualizing a life that you want and making it happen. Yeah, I'm never going to loose weight by sitting here complaining about it, and I'm never going to get out of debt if I let it consume me and no I won't ever get married if I continue to hate myself. I wouldn't want to marry that either. I'm tried and I'm done with all the negativity in my life. It's time to take control and turn it around. I do have so much to be thankful for and I will have more to be thankful for. Time to believe in myself and make it happen. As far as my friend who had brought negativity into my life so many years ago, well she's turned her life around as well. She has a lot going for her but I want to say this: Friend, stop letting the past control who you are today. Stop letting those negative emotions continue to haunt you. I challenge you as I have challenged myself to leave the past in the past and forget about it. Time to focus on the future and all it's gifts! Same for anyone else who took the time to read my introverted rantings that I like to post on the web for everyone to see. Actually, I prefer to just blog anyway. I came to the conclusion years ago that even when I write in a journal, I would write in such a way that I expected someone someday to read it. So now I wear my heart on my sleeve for anyone who's interested. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will take on this challenge of making my life better for myself. "Challenge Accepted"