I knew today wasn't going to be an easy day when I woke up this morning. After another beautiful dream of him, I woke up and then shed a few tears but suppressed it so I could get up and go to work. I drove to work, feeling numb to my surroundings. After about 2 hours of cleaning, one of the ladies from the office came up to me and asked if I was okay. No one at work knew I was going through anything and I didn't cry or act differently. She could just sense something was wrong. So I spent a few minutes telling her about what was going on and without having this thought previously I had told her that what makes it the hardest is every other time, the guy was a jerk or did something wrong but this time it was me. I'm not blaming me self for everything that went wrong, but the biggest problem in the relationship was me and how I was acting and the lack of trying on my part. I gave up on myself and he spent so long trying to lift me up and just couldn't do it anymore. As I went back to cleaning these thoughts danced around in my head. I left work with a smile on my face, got to my car, and burst into tears. I sat in my car for about 30 minutes crying then cried the whole way home and then was sooooo mad at myself for crying. I want so badly to just be okay and start making my life better. I was trying so hard to keep it together that I wasn't allowing myself to just hurt and it all came out at one time. Is there even a way to be this hurt but still find happiness? I'm taking the steps on the outside to better my life but on the inside it's like hurricane season. During the eye of the storm, I'm calm and all is well, it's almost scary. But then when the storm hits, there's just mass destruction. All I see in my mind is his beautiful blue eyes and how I never spent enough time looking into his eyes. My hands long to hold his or play with his hair or rub his back. My lips desire the sweet pressure of his against them. And all I can think about is how lately, I took all these things and more for granted. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just feeling an overwhelming amount of pain today. I'm going to do my best to focus it towards something like my art. I was really hesitant to even put anything out into the world about how I'm feeling for the simple fact that I want him to see that I am getting better, I want my friends to see that I'm getting better, and I want myself to realize that I'm getting better. I just feel like blogging is staying true to myself and it's therapeutic for me to write my thoughts down (or type them in this case). My other fear is people putting him down, saying I can do better. Do you not realize how much that hurts me? Someone said it's like saying I had bad judgement in the first place. Josh is the best thing that could have ever happened to me and I love him more than anyone will ever know. I still hope and pray that someday things will work out. Only time will tell...In the mean time, this song is exactly how I feel today. It's as if she took the words from my heart...
"I Never Told You" Colbie Caillat
I miss those blue eyes, how you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise, like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe
But I never told you what I should have said
No, I never told you, I just held it in
And now I miss everything about you
I can't believe it, I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you, without you
I see your blue eyes every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to, when I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me
But I never told you what I should have said
No, I never told you, I just held it in
And now I miss everything about you
(Still, you're gone)
I can't believe it, I still want you
(And I'm lovin' you, I never should've walked away)
After all the things we've been through
(I know it's never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you, without you
But I never told you what I should have said
No, I never told you, I just held it in
And now I miss everything about you
(Still, you're gone)
I can't believe it, I still want you
(And I'm lovin' you, I never should've walked away)
After all the things we've been through
(I know it's never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you, without you
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