broken....oh so broken......

I probably shouldn't blog right now. I'm not in the best state of mind. I'm really confused and heart broken. After four and a half years, my boyfriend broke up with me. I could tell something was bothering him and I asked him if he was happy. He said no. When I asked him what that meant, he said I knew what that meant. I was floored. I never in a million years expected him to say that. I thought he'd say maybe he was going through stuff and it would be better. I honestly truly believed that I would be with him forever. He's my best friend, my love, my everything, and now I have to accept that he's gone. I'm so confused and I have so many conflicting thoughts. Part of me thinks that he will work out whatever he's going through then come back to me and we can work on us together, part of me hates myself for being jealous and controlling and pushing him away, part of me hates him for just giving up without fighting, part of me hates him for not giving me a chance to fight, part of me can't let go, part of me wants to let go if he's not happy. UGH...I just don't want to feel anything. He's has made me a better person over the last 4 1/2 years and I thought I was sooo lucky. Other people should be jealous of what he had because it was epic. And it was at one time, then it wasn't.....And I would nag him for not bringing me flowers or nag him for not taking me out more...All the while I really didn't care, I just love him. How could I be so blind? How did I not realize that I was pushing him away. How come he didn't tell me how he felt so we could work together? I just can't comprehend how this all happened. I honestly believed that we'd be together forever.  I mean I still got butterflies and would get sooo excited when I got to see him. When he smiled, my whole world was ok. When he kissed me, I felt like it was heaven. How do I just accept that "we aren't right for each other"? I don't want any one you to hate him or say anything to him. If he was unhappy, I can't make him stay in a relationship with me. I still love him with all my heart and I still want him in my life. At least for now, I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'm not ready to let go.