I haven't been as strict as I need to be with my Weight Watchers or exercising. I missed a few of my classes and ate really bad food for a couple weeks. I refuse to step on a scale for awhile so I don't get too discouraged but today I had to put on a belt because my pants kept falling (more than usual) and the best part, I had to go back an extra loop to make it tighter. I was blown away. This weight thing is such a burden. I can't believe I let myself get to this point but this is why I am changing it! I know for the rest of my life it's going to be a struggle but to be able to look at a picture of myself (that I didn't take at a high angle and manipulate to make me look thinner) and not be disgusted is worth the hard work. Besides, I'm starting to like salads! They're aren't so bad. Plus, I haven't gone to a drive thru in at least a month. There have been things like go to Rubios or Red Robin or other sit down restaurants, but these are rare occasions. It is a great feat for me to go from literally driving thru some nasty fast food place 3-4 times a day to just cold turkey! The thought of it actually grosses me out now. Who am I?! :p So the journey continues...next step, lay off the wine!
In the midst of my struggle as being me, I have a hard time feeling comfortable in my own skin. I feel as if I'm judged every time I go anywhere. I know it happens because it's hard not to judge people. We are cruel beings. Most of the time, I scared to go to big events with a lot of people because I'm scared of being made fun of for being over weight (thank you childhood bullies for that). So this weekend, Josh asked me if I would like to go with him to our friend Kenny's house for a movie marathon party/weekend. I was excited and terrified at the same time. I knew a lot of people where going to be there but I also I couldn't keep drowning in my loneliness and depression. How I am suppose to overcome it if I lock myself away in my room all the time? When we got to Kenny's house, you could hear a large crowd from outside the house. I started to have a panic attack and clung close to Josh as we walked in. Immediately a group of people ran up to greet Josh (they mostly all knew him already) and then welcomed me with hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. I immediately pulled out my cell phone sort of as a defense mechanism and text Ashley that I was overwhelmed. Before I could read her reply, I was pulled to the kitchen and we were handed shots of Whiskey. Now, I don't do brown liquor. It is NASTY to me. However for some reason, I took the shot glass. I had my cell in one hand and the glass in the other. I was about to hand it off to someone when I looked at my phone again, and put it in my pocket and took the shot. YUP, Whiskey IS nasty! :) But it was at that moment when I decided that we didn't drive nearly 2 hours for me to sit in the corner and text. So with the phone away, I continued to meet new people. Best part, people would come up to me and talk to me. I felt the insecurities melt away and I was so comfortable. We played games and watched movies and danced and goofed around. It was a blast. There wasn't a need for me to hide behind Josh all night. Matter of fact, we didn't really hang out together as much as me with some people and him with others, then we would all intermingle. Before I knew it, it was almost 3 am and time for bed. A bunch of us piled into Kenny's room...haha well actually 5 guys and then me. Yeah, lots of laughter and inside jokes became of that situation. Anyway, the next morning, breakfast and another movie then off to Vasquez Rock. If you don't know what it is, look it up! Craziness. Although I struggled with the climbing, mostly because I'm not good with heights, I'm not very coordinated and extremely clumsy! But some of the group would wait for me and Josh was very patient with me (at least on the outside but I know he really wanted to be up with the rest of the group...sorry babe). I was so embarrassed that I struggled with it and I was the last one, but Kenny and one of the girls Jen were so awesome to me about it. Jen and I talked about everything (well mostly WoW) and Kenny found other routes that we're not so steep while Josh held my hand or caught me when I needed it. All in all, I only tripped once (banged up my knee pretty bad), I slid maybe two or three times but caught myself and fell on my bum once. Not bad for my track record! Afterwards (when I was about to pass out) I started looking at the pictures I took on the way and grew extremely proud that I was able to do what I did. Most people my weight and with my level of clumsiness would not have survived. I'm pretty damn proud of myself! Take that Vasquez Rocks!!! By the next time, I will be further in my aerobics class and have lost more weight so with my endurance built up I should be able to move a little faster! You have not seen the last of me!!! After that, we went for lunch and then back to Kenny's for more fun and movie madness. Sadly it all came to an end, but before I even left Kenny's, I got a friend request from one of the girls I met. Then I got one from one of the guys. I was astonished because even though I felt at ease and not judged for my weight, in the back of my mind I still had the idea lingering that they were being nice just because. I made a comment to Josh that I was sure that was going to be it for the friend request but as of today I keep getting more and more. Some have even started following me on Twitter. I love it. I loved everyone I met and I'm ecstatic that I walked away with friends (some of which are from The Guild, how awesome is that?!). Nerds really are awesome and I'm so happy to be a part of it all! Thank you everyone for being so wonderful to me and I can't wait until the next time!
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