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I don't really know how to put my thoughts together because they are so jumbled. I apologize in advance to whoever reads this because it might get sloppy. First of all, I really hate this. It has been the longest and most painful three weeks of my life. Which ironically enough is making me push harder to get better, but it seems the harder I try to do and be better and happy, the more I feel sad and weakened. It's like there are weights on my feet trying to sink me and they are getting heavier the longer I try to say afloat. I cry more now, and I mean cry. I've never cried like this in my life. It scares me sometimes because I feel like I won't be able to stop. I've cried hysterically for 4 hours straight the other day. Then there are days I try to put a smile on and have a good time, but I can't stop the memories from playing like a movie in my mind. Every single solitary thing I do has some sort of attachment to him. I can't escape it. Believe me, I wish I could but I can't. I feel so haunted. Everyday I go for a walk or do a workout video, I spend time around people, watch movies, draw/paint, read a book or whatever the case may be. I try to find inner peace. All I find is that I feel so empty and shallow. I have no depth. No intellectual thoughts, no special story, nothing interesting about me. Didn't I used to be interesting? I'm pretty sure that there used to be more to me than this...what am I? Who am I? Even now as I sit here, trying to think about who I am, my mind is consumed with how much I want to kiss his sweet lips. I didn't kiss him enough. I used to, then it stopped. Why did it stop? How is it he is happier without me when I feel like I could just stop existing at any given second? Sometimes I wish I could erase my memories like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". Sometimes the pain and the memories are the only thing that remind me he's real. I feel so lost. I feel like I'm all over the place with my emotions. I actually called my church to see if they offer counseling because I don't have health insurance for actually therapy but the receptionist said she will have to talk with the Pastor and call me back. I would really like to talk to a psychologist about my anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. This is something I've struggled with long before and now it all feels so magnified. I don't even know what to say anymore. My head feels like it's going to explode.....