a no good very bad day...

So this morning while on my way to work, I rear ended someone. I was getting off the freeway on the car in front of me started to move so I followed. As I followed, I looked to my left and in the 2 seconds I was looking, the car in front of me stopped. Next thing I know, BOOM! I hit her! She was in shock but was able to move over to the side and out of the way of traffic. Neither car had damage, but all I could think about is "I can't be late to work" (see previously posted blog about that story). So I gave her my info and left, foolishly not getting her info as well. I was pretty upset driving the rest of the way to work. Not because I hit someone, not because I didn't get her info, but because I knew I would be in trouble for being late. And sure enough I was. My manager says she "has to talk to HR and see what they instruct her to do". Look, I was in an accident, why you feel the need to make a big deal about my tardiness due to it is beyond me. She says because of my "excessive" attendance issues, that it's a serious problem I was late today. Ok, as if I wasn't already stressed out from the fact I hit someone, you have to threaten me too?! And again I need to say I should not have been written up for "attendance" on things like being sick or calling and asking to work early so I can leave early to take my cat to the vet. That is just cold hearted that she would consider that. Yes I take responsibility for the days I was just plain running late, but I don't feel I should be held responsible for the wind knocking trees over on the freeway and blocking traffic and certainly don't think I should be given a final write up because I was in a fender bender. I'm just curious as to who wrote her up for being late twice last week or being taking an extended lunch because she didn't feel good. If it were me, she'd write me up in a hot minute. So anyway, I asked her this morning if I was going to lose my job. She said "I hate when people ask those kind of questions on the sales floor. It makes it uncomfortable for everyone. I will talk to you in the back when someone else is working". I replied "That's a yes" and she said "Well it isn't good". So this is my mind set all day; I won't have a job much longer. We didn't say much more to each other for the rest of the day other than "where do you want me to hang these?" It wasn't until I was walking out the door when she said "See you Friday" and I said, "If I still have a job; please don't fire me". We then got into discussion about how she "has" to report it but she will explain to HR what happened and that it will most likely be a final warning but anything there after, I'm gone. ANYTHING, so if my car is stolen, I lose my job. If I get shot, I lose my job. If someone I know or myself dies, I lose my job. Ridiculous. I just hope I can find another job before I don't have one...

Vent sesh....

I just have to say how absolutely disappointed I am in humanity these days. St Jude's children's hospital has made efforts to reach out to people to help pay for their patients. They do not turn away a family if they cannot pay and on average it cost $100,000 to $500,000 to treat a child. So when a person is buying $200 of clothes for themselves and then Says "nah I'm good" when i ask for a donation, I just want to say "yeah I know you're good, you're not the one with cancer so donate a dollar you selfish prick!". But that was nothing in comparison to the scum who said it was rude for us to even ask. He ranted about how by us asking it then obligates them to donate When they don't want to. He acted like he was sooo smart and funny and I wanted to kick him where it counts! So for 3 days it's been sitting and brewing in my mind and making me sooo mad until today when this lady with diamond rings on all her fingers and a fur coat said " no they should donate to me" I literally walked away. I might loose my job over tryin to raise money for St. Jude's. If only these people had a baby who was diagnosed with cancer and couldn't afford treatment...then maybe they'd understand! Come on people!!! You are not in such bad shape financially to buy over priced clothing, but you can't spare 25¢, $1, $5?!? What's wrong with you!!! I bet you have spent hundred on stupid gifts that people don't ever use...so give a gift that means something! A gift that could save a life! These children are our future! They shouldnt be denied the chance to have that future!!!!

time to catch up......

WOW, it has been a long time since I wrote last. I kind of lost my head there for awhile. Come to think of it, not sure I quite found it yet.

There is so much on my mind....I don't know where to start...hmmm... well, as I last posted, I was done with Alfred Angelo. I left them for a job at a men's clothing store as Assistant Manager. Everything was fantastic....while I trained at another store, then I was sent back to my store. This is where my dreams of having a better job were shattered. The first few weeks, I wasn't quite sure what was wrong, but all I could say is my manager was intense. There was just something about her. Then I noticed her inner "biotch" start to shine! And boy is it bright!!!! But it's a total light switch; on/off, on/off! IT DRIVES ME NUTS! In the last week, I've really felt uncomfortable with her. Two days before Thanksgiving, my cat went nuts and I needed to take her to the vet to make sure it wasn't something serious, so I called and asked if I could come in early so I could leave early. She said it was fine. Then there were 2 days I was late, like 7-8 minutes. Which I called her and explained to her that I as stuck in traffic (especially one day, from the winds, the freeway was blocked).  Then I had a sick day. A day where I probably would have gotten the whole store sick if I had gone. All this caused me to be written up. I can understand being written up for being late, but having to take my cat to the vet and being sick?! How does that count against me?! Her reasoning is "the policy book states that you have to work your scheduled shifts". So this means, I can't have ANY emergency what so ever! She also told me this is means for termination and that she feels like she made a mistake hiring me because I am "soooooo" unreliable. Whatever b.....

But this doesn't really matter in comparison to how she actually treats me! She is rude, short, snappy, and just uncomfortable for me to be around. Stupid things like me telling her the DM is in the area and the Upland store told us to be on the look out, she says "Good for him". Now is that necessary?! NO! Or today, she went on her lunch, then about 10 minutes later the phone kept ringing but every time I answered, they hung up. So finally I gave the phone to one of the associates and it was my manager! I find that a little ironic that 4 times in a row the phone rings then hang up until someone else answered. Then there are the times when I ask her how to do something and she gets mad and makes comments like "you should know this by now". Or when I asked about the extended Holiday hours; "Well clearly you didn't read the Holiday policy packet". Save the attitude! Really! BUT HERE'S WHAT REALLY GETS ME, the second another associate is around, she is sweet as pie to me. Acts like we are BFF's and go way back!! CUT THE CRAP WOMAN!!!
All this just makes me think that I made a mistake by leaving Alfred Angelo. I just try to remember that I was underpaid and overworked and that I was being used. Why can't I just find a good job?!? The boyfriend says I'm not happy anywhere I go, and he's right, I'm not. But there is good reason! Again I say, I miss the Deli Grind. Mostly because it was a job where we were all a family and there was respect for each other. It was chill and there was no BS drama! I miss it! Maybe that's what ruined my outlook on all jobs. My first job was the absolute best! So now I have such high expectations. Sigh....

So I also wonder again about my major choice. I flip flop back and forth as much as one changes their chonies. But I can't help it. I feel like every choice I make is the wrong one so I'm nervous that I will never find a job in photography and will end up working retail the rest of my life and as I previously vented, I DO NOT LIKE RETAIL!!! I can't help but keep going back to teaching. A part of me, a big part of me (and I'm a big girl - so that's a lot!) really wants to be a preschool teacher. I love young kids and I feel like there are too many people out there responsible for the youth, for our future, that really should NOT be! Part of me wants to get my certification in photography, and continue to do it on the side but start taking Child Development Classes. Here's a pro, if I only want to teach preschool. I only need 12 units complete and I can actually start working in a day care. 12 units is only one semester. Here's another pro, if I decide I want to continue schooling and be an elementary teacher, I will have summer vacations. I can spend summer vacations focusing on photography. Maybe book a few summer weddings and such to keep the bills paid. I don't know. I love both. Today, a young mom came in with her 2 children who had face paint on. The mom expressed to me how she needs to be quick before the kids start acting up. I found out what she was looking for and directed her where to go. At that point I started talking with the kids and asking them about their face paint. Then went on and on about the parade and Santa and it gave mom time to shop with out worrying about her kids. I quite enjoyed it. The mom thanked me and after she left I felt more satisfied with helping her with her kids then I did with making a sale. The rest of the day, all I could think about is how I wished I worked with kids. What does that mean?! Am I wrong to change my major, AGAIN?! And am I so concerned about what people are going to say if I change it that I might pass up on doing what I was meant to be doing? But what happens if photography is it for me? I'm not going to lie, I can be pretty artistic when I shoot, but is it really enough to have a steady job or will I end up freelancing it?! Why does this have to be so hard?! Why does growing up have to be sooooo complicated?!

Which brings me to my next statement; In two months from today, I will be 28!! OMG!!!  I can say that I am actually somewhat happy that I am where I am. When I was 25 I stated that I had better be moved out by 27, and I did move out at 27. Not how I imagined, but I really like where I live. I have good roomies, and it's in an ideal location. I am in school (whatever my major might end up being) but in school none the less. I have a boyfriend who loves me (most days- but I think today isn't one of them :p ) and family and friends who love me. I know I am blessed. I just can't believe how fast life happens!

Anyway, I think it's time to veg out to some episodes of "New Girl" (my absolute fav) and then call it a night. Thank you dear Internet for letting me spill my guts all over you....

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRHGGGGGHGHGHGHHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!

screw "Three Weeks!!!"....this is insane!!! I keep having to clean up the messes of the store manager on leave....and if I would have pulled the crap she pulled, I would have been fired in a hot second....WHY THE HELL IS SHE STILL WORKING FOR THAT COMPANY!!! It's ridiculous!! In the almost 3 years I've worked there, I've never had a day as crazy as today! EVER!!!! I was screamed at by so many people and the starting point of the problem was the store manager!!! SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!? UUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! And what really gets me is that she is coming back next week?!!? for reals?! Didn't I quit because I didn't want to work with her, and somehow I got suckered into working with her anyway!? Forget that noise!!! So I have a week to find something because I refuse to work with that woman!!!! REFUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three Weeks!!!

Well, I still do not know what is to become of me. In the mean time, I am back at my home store in Rancho Cucamonga. I am technically Assistant Manager but for the next three weeks I will be Store Manager as the current one is going on medical leave. Today was the first time we worked together since I attempted to quit and it was an emotional roller coaster ride. I never wanted it to be personal but I guess I should have learned from "You've Got Mail" that it is still in fact very personal. I do not know what will happen in three weeks; only time will tell. I can say this, I am going to take these three weeks and do everything in my power to turn that store around and show them that I AM capable of it. I deserve more credit for what I do and if it is not given when necessary, then I will find it else where. I am too old to play mind games. Three weeks; I can do this!!!

AA Tango...

So here's the story of what happened. Thursday I got a call from the DM asking me to cover the Rancho Store (the one I just quit from) and reluctantly I said ok. I called Bellasposa (the job I was suppose to start on Friday) and said there was a mix up as to when my last day was and I needed to work at Alfred Angelo Friday. They said they would call me back and let me know the new schedule. Friday, I worked all day and then Friday night, the DM called me and asked me to come to the Huntington Beach store to meet with her and talk about "options". Again, reluctantly, I said ok but was hoping to hear from Bellasposa. I got ready to go to Huntington today but kept my phone one me just in case Bellasposa called. No, they didn't. So I resentfully drove to Huntington Beach. I got to the store and the DM said she will be with me shortly and asked the 3rd key to show me around. 4 hours later, the DM came to the front and said "alright Nicole, lets go to lunch". So we walked across the parking lot to a nice little Chinese Food Restaurant. She proceeded to ask me if I could work at Huntington for 2 weeks so she could create a position for me closer to home and that way I will get management training and also train the management there with the computers (because they are both new) as well as the new employees. I told her I would think about it. We talked for awhile about me leaving the Rancho Store and what has been going on there. She again told me how important I am to the company and she doesn't want to loose me. So we head back to the store. I finish the day and get ready to leave. Go to my car, check my messages and I had a voicemail from Bellasposa saying it's not going to work out. He said he emailed me and I didn't respond but when I got home, I had no email. And I was waiting for them to call. This is the 3rd call I was waiting for from them, so whatever. I guess that just wasn't meant to be. So now starts the Alfred Angelo tango! I am an assistant manager, training and in training and I have no home store. Based on the history of circumstances like this, I will probably be transferred all over SO Cal. *sigh* Why did I have to stir the waters?! Now I have to drive 2 hours round trip 5 days a week. I just hope to God that it truly is ONLY TWO WEEKS! But I can say I am happy to train that store. They need it! When I'm done with them, it will be a whole new store!!! :) I did notice a very important thing today however; at the end of the day, the Manager said "Thank you guys for a great day! You are the best team". I nearly choked on air! I haven't heard a manager say that in SOOO long! We'll see how it works out and what happens next...

complicated...

So much on my mind, so much to think about, so much to talk about...So, I quit my job. The next day, the district manager called me asking to stay with the company but go to a different store. Only problem, I was already hired somewhere else. So I had to really think about the two options. As of today, my district manager was suppose to call me. I was also suppose to go into the other job to get started. Unfortunately, I suffered from heat exhaustion this morning and it made the decision to call and ask for a couple days easier. So all day, I sat around waiting for the DM to call me. I even emailed her and haven't heard back. If I'm such an important asset to the company, why is it taking more than two days to call me back. It's just a reminder of why I left in the first place. It's one thing after another and honestly, it's not like she was giving me that great of an offer. Maybe when I tell her I have a job somewhere else, she will offer me more money and negotiate. Not likely so I guess I won't be working for Alfred Angelo anymore. Yes it does suck that I have to start back at the bottom, BUT it's a clean slate. I think I need that clean slate in my life right now. PLUS, at my new job, I get to do what I'm doing right now; write blogs. The best part, it's about photography. Plus they will train me in Wedding Photography. I don't have to drive 30 minutes and the pay is decent, so I'm pretty sure that's the route I'm going to take. The district manager ALMOST had me....she should have just called. Her loss! I can say that I feel awful for how I left and I feel bad for throwing my manager under the bus. I mean, really, I told the truth about everything, problem is, I will probably get my manager fired. And I shouldn't feel all to bad being that she was creating lies about me, but I'm not that person. Yes, I can be vindictive but I don't go around ruining people's jobs and lives. She has a family, a house, a life....and I probably destroyed it all...I FEEL AWFUL! ugh! why do I have to care?! *sigh*

Why does making a decision have to be so damn hard?! It's always been for me! I'm so indecisive and I change my mind constantly. I really hope I am making the right choice here.

Making Changes....

Friday when I pulled up to work, I had a panic attack. I wasn't even sure why but as the day continued I just felt more and more tense. It did not help that when I opened my paycheck, I did not have the pay raise that I was told I was going to have. I'm sure you can imagine my disappointment. Then, on Saturday I woke up feeling sick so I called out and yet work kept calling me! Every time I heard my phone ringing, I would have an anxiety attack. I can't even be sick without being bothered. It got to the point where I turned my phone off because the anxiety was over whelming. A job is not suppose to do that to a person! As of Sunday, I turned my phone on to see more missed calls and voicemails. Upon listening to them, I was told I was expected to be at work at 9 am! The schedule I have states that I was off on Sunday!!! At this point, I decided I am done with the constant changing schedule, the hours of unpaid work, the ridiculous amount of stress, being asked to drop/change my school schedule after it was already approved, and the plethora of other things that should not be happening in a normal business. My sanity is more important to me than walking on eggshells because my status is only "temporarily" and any wrong move I make is the end of me. I called Bellasposa and accepted the position but will continue to seek a position that is a better fit for me. Although photography is my dream, and working at Bellasposa will give me a little experience with Wedding Photography, I am not all that excited about the Bridal Sales part. I think I need a break from bridezillas for awhile. So, I am embarking on a new journey and I'm excited to see where I end up.

On another note, I had a lot of free time today and worked on getting my new room put together. I am now completely unpacked but still have stacks of papers and other stuff I need to sort through. I hung some of my pictures of Paris (from a 2007 Black and White Calender), hung my posters, and put picture frames on my shelves. It's starting to feel more and more like home. I think Millie feels that way too, she spends more time in her favorite spot (the window) and less time hiding under the bed. I love being 3 minutes from Josh, 3-5 minutes from school (depending on traffic), still only 10 minutes from work. I have barely spent any money on gas! It's great (cuz I'm broke) :p Anyway, time to try and sleep...Good nite world.....

ughness....

Why can't I just see the right answer more clearly?! Do I stay, do I go?! My current job is a disaster right now, but I still have some serious worries about leaving and going to this other job. I make the decision to just go, and then something happens that makes me uneasy. For instance, when I called the manager back, he forgot who I was and then remembered and said he didn't know what time he wanted me to work, AFTER he already told me open to close. He seems flaky, but how much of that really differs from where I am at now?! Then I go to my current job and SOOOO much unbelieve crap goes on that I just want to wash my hands of that place and be done with it. I am still just so sick over it and don't know if I'm making the right decision or not. I do not want to stay at my job, but I really should NOT be sooo nervous about a new one. I should be excited right?! I know that I need to move on, but I'm not certain that it's to Bellasposa. I don't know...I've never been so torn over a job like this, it's weird. Can someone just tell me the correct route please?! The one I won't regret....

just soooo fickle....

So after much deliberation, I decided to stay at my current job. Crazy right?! I went over my pros and cons numerous times and even though the new place is appealing, there are certain aspects I really don't care for. I worked really hard to become management and if I'm going to leave that position it's going to be for a better management position, not starting back at sales. Yes, there is a lot of drama at my work, but isn't there drama everywhere you go?! It's just temporary and the pay increase will help my goals of becoming an independent photographer more realistic, at least some day...so for now, I'm not going anywhere. But I can say that now that I'm management, there are going to be some changes around there!

I've been punked!!!

I found Ashton!!! He as hiding behind my finances! So turns out I made way to many commitments without the money to pay for them. School is ending up costing me more than I expected because of the supplies needed for each class, I have to pay for the deposit and rent plus addition for my cat, I need to declaw my cat which is few hundred dollars, plus pay my regular bills?! That being said, I cannot buy a camera for my photography class. I have to be put on a wait list to try and check one out when we have a project. Only problem, there are 15 cameras and over 50 students...*sigh* I'm really stressed out and really bummed out. I will be able to get my own camera the end of October when I get the remaining of my grant money. Until then, I guess I'll just have to manage...because it's either get a camera or move out but I cannot do both :(

broken heart...

Ever since I started dating Josh, I have been aware of the medical issues with his father, Mike. He has survived 3 heart attacks, has a defibrillator, as well as other numerous health problems. Most of the big things that went on were before Josh and I started dating. I guess because of this, I took for granted how fragile his life really is. But over the last 4 years, he has become like a 2nd father to me. Although we are not related by blood or through marriage, I can honestly say he is family. He's always made me feel welcome, has considered me as family on his family outings, and has provided for me when he really really didn't have to. He has a smart remark for everything that keeps you laughing and can reference a load of t.v. shows. Sometimes I would get lost in conversations between Josh, his brother and his dad. It would be movie reference after t.v. reference so on and so forth, and I absolutely love it! I'ts watching a family bond and it is so precious to me. Every time he took everyone out to eat, on the drive home he would say "Thank your father kids" (referencing Married with Children) and Josh, Justin and myself would chime in "Thanks dad" and then he'd say "Like you mean it" and in a more chipper tone "THANKS DAD!" These are the silly goofy memories that are so dear to my heart. And I want to have more memories like this, except Mike is back in the hospital. He's waiting for a new heart and currently is hooked up to a VAD (Ventricular assist device). He hasn't seemed to have much improvement and things are not looking to well for him. I'm devastated. Although I have known people that have passed, I have never lost anyone this close to me and I'm selfishly saying that I am not ready! He's not allowed to go yet. If Josh and I get married, I want him there! When I graduate college, I want him there! If we go out to dinner, I want him there!!! God please I pray that he gets a new heart to replace his broken heart and I pray that his body does not reject it and he is back to his good old self again...no, that he's even better!!! Please God, please....

just keeps getting better....

...really...where is Ashton Kutcher?! Are you sure I'm not being punked?! So I have more good news... I get to move in sooner than expected AANNNDD the big news...I have a job interview in a couple days. It's for another bridal store that also does photography(as well as many other things). I will being starting in Photography and Bridal Gown sales and working towards being a full time photographer for the company. Starting pay is more than what I get know as a key holder and I don't have to deal with all the drama from my current job. I'm tired of being sh*t on by this company and I'm so excited to move on! I had a phone interview today, and have an in person interview on Sunday. I'm really positive about this and the manager loves me! Just pray Ashton waits awhile and lets a few more good things happen to me before he shows up with the cameras...

So anxious...

I've moved all over the place numerous times and somehow I always end up back home. In a couple weeks, I'm moving out again. I am extremely anxious and I'm not sure why. I guess because I want this to be it. I don't want to have to move back home again but I know how my life goes. It seems like it's one bad thing after another and for once things are going seemingly well; this terrifies me to no end. It's like I'm waiting for Ashton Kutcher to say I got punked except in this episode everything goes right instead of wrong. Why can't things just go good for me on a regular basis?! I deserve it! I always tell other people to embrace life so I just need to listen to myself. Time for it to be my season! Time for things to go well! Time for me to be happy! It took a long long (and I do mean long) time to get here, but look at what I have: A good job (in which I'm moving up the ladder-slowly but surely),  a place to live with good people (and I'm in dire need of some friends-other than facebook), I'm going to school to make something of myself, an internship set up for me, and a wonderful boyfriend who loves me. What more could a girl ask for? (besides money) :p Anyway, I'm just happy that in a few weeks, I'll be living maybe 3 minutes from my school and in a house with some awesome ladies. For once, I might just feel like I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be. I think the fact that I needed to move out desperately and Josh's friend in which he hadn't seen in forever needed to rent out a room is sheer fate! Not to mention, she's an uber nerd! I'm so excited, I can't wait. I should probably stop expecting something to go wrong and just embrace it! So here it goes....

Starting over....

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've created a blog and then abandoned it. And every time I have full intent of being an avid blogger, much like I do now, but somewhere along the line it just doesn't happen. It's sad, but I do the same thing with my journals. I start to write in them, fill up maybe 10-20 pages, and then start a new journal. I guess with blogging I don't have to keep spending money on journals. Not to mention, writing kills my hands with the carpel tunnel. So here I am, making another attempt at blogging. It seems fitting to 'start over' right now anyway. There are a lot of changes going on in my life and I'm ready to grab life by the horns! I'm excited to see the direction which my life heads right now. So if you're reading this, follow me on my journey!