I miss him sooooo much...
that is all......

Eye of the Storm...

I knew today wasn't going to be an easy day when I woke up this morning. After another beautiful dream of him, I woke up and then shed a few tears but suppressed it so I could get up and go to work. I drove to work, feeling numb to my surroundings. After about 2 hours of cleaning, one of the ladies from the office came up to me and asked if I was okay. No one at work knew I was going through anything and I didn't cry or act differently. She could just sense something was wrong. So I spent a few minutes telling her about what was going on and without having this thought previously I had told her that what makes it the hardest is every other time, the guy was a jerk or did something wrong but this time it was me. I'm not blaming me self for everything that went wrong, but the biggest problem in the relationship was me and how I was acting and the lack of trying on my part. I gave up on myself and he spent so long trying to lift me up and just couldn't do it anymore. As I went back to cleaning these thoughts danced around in my head. I left work with a smile on my face, got to my car, and burst into tears. I sat in my car for about 30 minutes crying then cried the whole way home and then was sooooo mad at myself for crying. I want so badly to just be okay and start making my life better. I was trying so hard to keep it together that I wasn't allowing myself to just hurt and it all came out at one time. Is there even a way to be this hurt but still find happiness? I'm taking the steps on the outside to better my life but on the inside it's like hurricane season. During the eye of the storm, I'm calm and all is well, it's almost scary. But then when the storm hits, there's just mass destruction. All I see in my mind is his beautiful blue eyes and how I never spent enough time looking into his eyes. My hands long to hold his or play with his hair or rub his back. My lips desire the sweet pressure of his against them. And all I can think about is how lately, I took all these things and more for granted. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just feeling an overwhelming amount of pain today. I'm going to do my best to focus it towards something like my art. I was really hesitant to even put anything out into the world about how I'm feeling for the simple fact that I want him to see that I am getting better, I want my friends to see that I'm getting better, and I want myself to realize that I'm getting better. I just feel like blogging is staying true to myself and it's therapeutic for me to write my thoughts down (or type them in this case). My other fear is people putting him down, saying I can do better. Do you not realize how much that hurts me? Someone said it's like saying I had bad judgement in the first place. Josh is the best thing that could have ever happened to me and I love him more than anyone will ever know. I still hope and pray that someday things will work out. Only time will tell...In the mean time, this song is exactly how I feel today. It's as if she took the words from my heart...

"I Never Told You" Colbie Caillat

I miss those blue eyes, how you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise, like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you what I should have said
No, I never told you, I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you
I can't believe it, I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you, without you

I see your blue eyes every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to, when I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you what I should have said
No, I never told you, I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you
(Still, you're gone)
I can't believe it, I still want you
(And I'm lovin' you, I never should've walked away)
After all the things we've been through
(I know it's never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you, without you

But I never told you what I should have said
No, I never told you, I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you
(Still, you're gone)
I can't believe it, I still want you
(And I'm lovin' you, I never should've walked away)
After all the things we've been through
(I know it's never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you, without you

day job...

For the past two years I have been going to Chaffey and I'm starting to think that I'm just wasting my time. I love my photography classes but other than that, I HATE SCHOOL! I keep dropping my classes because I'm not interested in them and I am dreading taking classes like biology and more math classes. Lately I've been thinking about what I'm even doing there and been thinking about ALL (emphasis on ALL) the things I wanted to do over the years and thought about what is REALISTIC for ME. I was reminded of all the times I went to some sort of beauty school for information but never pursued it further than that. I never thought I would be able to afford it. The more I get into my photography classes, my teacher talks about how we need a day job because it's like a 5% chance that I would actually get a steady income from photography. Most of the work is freelance. So I've been wracking my brains about a day job, scared that I will be stuck working retail for the rest of my life or become some corporate tool. Today, when I went into Sally's beauty supply and then proceeded to make my hair AWESOME, I was reminded about how I used to want to do that for a profession and how all through high school I did everyone's hair. Then I thought, well why don't I? I can still do freelance photography plus I wouldn't need to hire a stylist for my models. But what about all I've done at Chaffey? Well, tomorrow I'm going to talk to my counselor about what I need to do to complete my certificate in Photography. I have an idea, but this way, it cuts out all the classes that will just waste my time, money, and energy. Tomorrow I'm also going to go back to one of the schools I inquired from a couple years ago because they accept the Fasfa (which I'm already approved for). When the next set of classes starts, I'd like to start. This means I will being doing Beauty School AND Chaffey. It's going to be hard but it should take less than a year at Beauty School and I've already given Chaffey two years and have gained very little. As a hair stylist I will still be able to do my photography, but I won't be freaking out over my income. So this time next year, I should be doing hair and makeup! I'm not going to let myself chicken out this time. I'm just going to do it. Who knows, maybe I'll be doing hair and make up for the "stars" someday, AND taking their headshots!! :P

No day but today...

I've had endless hours of self reflection and I've discovered things about myself that I just don't like and will no longer tolerate of myself. At first I cried "why? Why would he do this to me?" and played things over and over in my head but then I saw a version of me that was just plain disgusting. I was cruel and unkind at times then I would brag about how awesome I am, never taking fault for my short comings but then I would turn around and fight with him for his. I never listened to him when he said something bothered him or hurt him. I was stuck in a delusion that I was a God send and I could do no wrong. Don't be mistaken, yes I should have confidence in myself but how I acted was terrible! I am still so heart broken over the whole situation but at the same time I starting to see that I needed my bubble to be popped. I was acting foolish. Everything is soo clear to me now and it's time to grow up. Time to stop striving for attention in negative ways but be a strong confident woman that I know I can be. Maybe in time, he will see who I can be and it will captivate him. Maybe it won't but regardless I cannot continue to be the monster I allowed myself to become. Life is waiting for me. I can't keep sitting around waiting for something to happen or for someone else to do something about it. Its time for a make over from the inside out. How can I ever make someone else happy if I don't learn to be happy with myself?! The time is now...

broken....oh so broken......

I probably shouldn't blog right now. I'm not in the best state of mind. I'm really confused and heart broken. After four and a half years, my boyfriend broke up with me. I could tell something was bothering him and I asked him if he was happy. He said no. When I asked him what that meant, he said I knew what that meant. I was floored. I never in a million years expected him to say that. I thought he'd say maybe he was going through stuff and it would be better. I honestly truly believed that I would be with him forever. He's my best friend, my love, my everything, and now I have to accept that he's gone. I'm so confused and I have so many conflicting thoughts. Part of me thinks that he will work out whatever he's going through then come back to me and we can work on us together, part of me hates myself for being jealous and controlling and pushing him away, part of me hates him for just giving up without fighting, part of me hates him for not giving me a chance to fight, part of me can't let go, part of me wants to let go if he's not happy. UGH...I just don't want to feel anything. He's has made me a better person over the last 4 1/2 years and I thought I was sooo lucky. Other people should be jealous of what he had because it was epic. And it was at one time, then it wasn't.....And I would nag him for not bringing me flowers or nag him for not taking me out more...All the while I really didn't care, I just love him. How could I be so blind? How did I not realize that I was pushing him away. How come he didn't tell me how he felt so we could work together? I just can't comprehend how this all happened. I honestly believed that we'd be together forever.  I mean I still got butterflies and would get sooo excited when I got to see him. When he smiled, my whole world was ok. When he kissed me, I felt like it was heaven. How do I just accept that "we aren't right for each other"? I don't want any one you to hate him or say anything to him. If he was unhappy, I can't make him stay in a relationship with me. I still love him with all my heart and I still want him in my life. At least for now, I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'm not ready to let go.