Be ok

I wasn't really sure about whether or not I was going to share that I have started therapy. It is something that is embarrassing to me for the simple fact that I'm 28 and need therapy. I have been through a lot in my life that most people do not know about and I have a lot of deep rooted issues that seem to be surfacing more and more the older I get. It has caused serious strain on friendships, relationships, and my feelings about myself. It has to change.

I was fortunate enough to have taken a Psychology class this past spring semester with an amazing teacher. As I have been going through some really hard times lately, I made a few comments on reflection papers that I had been battling depression for awhile. She reached out to me and offered to help me (as she is a licensed therapist) at a reasonable price being that I have no money. Tonight was the first night I met with her. I really didn't know what to expect, but I did what I do best and I just spilled my guts. We actually went over my time a little bit. I was nice to hear that I am not crazy but that I have a lot of things that do need to be sorted out. I was nice to have someone just listen to me without saying "get over it" or "you deserve better anyway". I was just nice. She immediately was able to realize that I was there for a good reason. Not just because of the breakup which most people think is the only thing that's got me down. No, that was just the pushing point of my life that I realized I'm not okay. I push people away from me then I am devastated when they leave. I have little self worth and I'm pretty much afraid of the world. I can spew out lines of confidence all day long on facebook but when it comes down to it, I'm outright terrified of this world and the people in it. As the session ended and I was about to leave I felt like I had hands around my throat strangling me. She asked me why I had anxiety about leaving and all I could say is "because now I have to go back out into the world". With that being said, I decided to take a break from facebook for awhile. I find that when I log in, I am being hurt by some comment or the lack of acknowledgement or whatever the case may be. Facebook is one of the number one causes of my anxiety. Until I can work that out, I need to just stay away. I can't keep allowing myself to go through this much pain and anguish. I have got to fix me. I have to figure out who I am and I have to find my self worth. Right about now, I feel pretty worthless. I feel unimportant and disposable. I need to overcome this if I ever want to be ok. And that is one thing that I need in my life, to be ok.

Be Ok - Ingrid Michaelson

what's going on?!

It's been awhile since I've blogged anything and for good reason. I hit a really rough patch for about 2 weeks and felt that it would not be beneficial for me to put all my emotions on display (well at least not anymore than the depressing songs I was posting on facebook). I just needed to work through them. I did, and I still am. It's going to be a long time before I can wake up and not have a ball of anxiety in my chest and not have to fight tears when I hear a certain song. The point is, I know what I need to do and I'm doing it no matter how hard it gets and how much I want to give up. I will not allow myself to go back to who I was. With that being said, I figure I should update those of you who are routing for me.

I started taking voice lessons. I have many reasons for this; first being that I love to sing and always wished I was good at it. I used to be in choir but I lost the control over my voice and started only singing with my head voice (which doesn't always sound that great). Another reason is to build confidence and learn to overcome my social anxieties. I'm really excited about it, especially to learn how to really use my voice.

I also decided to wait on going to Salon Success Academy mostly due to the fact that I don't have the money to pay for the registration fees and I waited too long to try to go and my financial aid was already sent to Chaffey. So I'm going to continue taking courses at Chaffey for now. Starting with summer school! I've never taken summer school so this will be interesting. I'm going to take English since it will be easier to focus on the homework when I only have the one course. Plus it will occupy some of my time, which would be nice. The best part, I got my text book online for $6! Score!!!

Anyhow, the weight loss challenge continues. It's slowed down and it's a bit discouraging but I know it's healthier to lose at a steady rate and not drop 10 pounds a week. It does feel great though to be eating healthier and exercising. I have a goal of getting to 150 pounds but I'm just not sure what that looks like so I'm guessing between 150-175. I want to look something like this picture.I don't want to be a twig but I want a fairly flat tummy and to be thick yet fit! So the journey continues....

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I don't really know how to put my thoughts together because they are so jumbled. I apologize in advance to whoever reads this because it might get sloppy. First of all, I really hate this. It has been the longest and most painful three weeks of my life. Which ironically enough is making me push harder to get better, but it seems the harder I try to do and be better and happy, the more I feel sad and weakened. It's like there are weights on my feet trying to sink me and they are getting heavier the longer I try to say afloat. I cry more now, and I mean cry. I've never cried like this in my life. It scares me sometimes because I feel like I won't be able to stop. I've cried hysterically for 4 hours straight the other day. Then there are days I try to put a smile on and have a good time, but I can't stop the memories from playing like a movie in my mind. Every single solitary thing I do has some sort of attachment to him. I can't escape it. Believe me, I wish I could but I can't. I feel so haunted. Everyday I go for a walk or do a workout video, I spend time around people, watch movies, draw/paint, read a book or whatever the case may be. I try to find inner peace. All I find is that I feel so empty and shallow. I have no depth. No intellectual thoughts, no special story, nothing interesting about me. Didn't I used to be interesting? I'm pretty sure that there used to be more to me than this...what am I? Who am I? Even now as I sit here, trying to think about who I am, my mind is consumed with how much I want to kiss his sweet lips. I didn't kiss him enough. I used to, then it stopped. Why did it stop? How is it he is happier without me when I feel like I could just stop existing at any given second? Sometimes I wish I could erase my memories like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". Sometimes the pain and the memories are the only thing that remind me he's real. I feel so lost. I feel like I'm all over the place with my emotions. I actually called my church to see if they offer counseling because I don't have health insurance for actually therapy but the receptionist said she will have to talk with the Pastor and call me back. I would really like to talk to a psychologist about my anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. This is something I've struggled with long before and now it all feels so magnified. I don't even know what to say anymore. My head feels like it's going to explode.....