ughness....

Why can't I just see the right answer more clearly?! Do I stay, do I go?! My current job is a disaster right now, but I still have some serious worries about leaving and going to this other job. I make the decision to just go, and then something happens that makes me uneasy. For instance, when I called the manager back, he forgot who I was and then remembered and said he didn't know what time he wanted me to work, AFTER he already told me open to close. He seems flaky, but how much of that really differs from where I am at now?! Then I go to my current job and SOOOO much unbelieve crap goes on that I just want to wash my hands of that place and be done with it. I am still just so sick over it and don't know if I'm making the right decision or not. I do not want to stay at my job, but I really should NOT be sooo nervous about a new one. I should be excited right?! I know that I need to move on, but I'm not certain that it's to Bellasposa. I don't know...I've never been so torn over a job like this, it's weird. Can someone just tell me the correct route please?! The one I won't regret....

just soooo fickle....

So after much deliberation, I decided to stay at my current job. Crazy right?! I went over my pros and cons numerous times and even though the new place is appealing, there are certain aspects I really don't care for. I worked really hard to become management and if I'm going to leave that position it's going to be for a better management position, not starting back at sales. Yes, there is a lot of drama at my work, but isn't there drama everywhere you go?! It's just temporary and the pay increase will help my goals of becoming an independent photographer more realistic, at least some day...so for now, I'm not going anywhere. But I can say that now that I'm management, there are going to be some changes around there!

I've been punked!!!

I found Ashton!!! He as hiding behind my finances! So turns out I made way to many commitments without the money to pay for them. School is ending up costing me more than I expected because of the supplies needed for each class, I have to pay for the deposit and rent plus addition for my cat, I need to declaw my cat which is few hundred dollars, plus pay my regular bills?! That being said, I cannot buy a camera for my photography class. I have to be put on a wait list to try and check one out when we have a project. Only problem, there are 15 cameras and over 50 students...*sigh* I'm really stressed out and really bummed out. I will be able to get my own camera the end of October when I get the remaining of my grant money. Until then, I guess I'll just have to manage...because it's either get a camera or move out but I cannot do both :(

broken heart...

Ever since I started dating Josh, I have been aware of the medical issues with his father, Mike. He has survived 3 heart attacks, has a defibrillator, as well as other numerous health problems. Most of the big things that went on were before Josh and I started dating. I guess because of this, I took for granted how fragile his life really is. But over the last 4 years, he has become like a 2nd father to me. Although we are not related by blood or through marriage, I can honestly say he is family. He's always made me feel welcome, has considered me as family on his family outings, and has provided for me when he really really didn't have to. He has a smart remark for everything that keeps you laughing and can reference a load of t.v. shows. Sometimes I would get lost in conversations between Josh, his brother and his dad. It would be movie reference after t.v. reference so on and so forth, and I absolutely love it! I'ts watching a family bond and it is so precious to me. Every time he took everyone out to eat, on the drive home he would say "Thank your father kids" (referencing Married with Children) and Josh, Justin and myself would chime in "Thanks dad" and then he'd say "Like you mean it" and in a more chipper tone "THANKS DAD!" These are the silly goofy memories that are so dear to my heart. And I want to have more memories like this, except Mike is back in the hospital. He's waiting for a new heart and currently is hooked up to a VAD (Ventricular assist device). He hasn't seemed to have much improvement and things are not looking to well for him. I'm devastated. Although I have known people that have passed, I have never lost anyone this close to me and I'm selfishly saying that I am not ready! He's not allowed to go yet. If Josh and I get married, I want him there! When I graduate college, I want him there! If we go out to dinner, I want him there!!! God please I pray that he gets a new heart to replace his broken heart and I pray that his body does not reject it and he is back to his good old self again...no, that he's even better!!! Please God, please....

just keeps getting better....

...really...where is Ashton Kutcher?! Are you sure I'm not being punked?! So I have more good news... I get to move in sooner than expected AANNNDD the big news...I have a job interview in a couple days. It's for another bridal store that also does photography(as well as many other things). I will being starting in Photography and Bridal Gown sales and working towards being a full time photographer for the company. Starting pay is more than what I get know as a key holder and I don't have to deal with all the drama from my current job. I'm tired of being sh*t on by this company and I'm so excited to move on! I had a phone interview today, and have an in person interview on Sunday. I'm really positive about this and the manager loves me! Just pray Ashton waits awhile and lets a few more good things happen to me before he shows up with the cameras...

So anxious...

I've moved all over the place numerous times and somehow I always end up back home. In a couple weeks, I'm moving out again. I am extremely anxious and I'm not sure why. I guess because I want this to be it. I don't want to have to move back home again but I know how my life goes. It seems like it's one bad thing after another and for once things are going seemingly well; this terrifies me to no end. It's like I'm waiting for Ashton Kutcher to say I got punked except in this episode everything goes right instead of wrong. Why can't things just go good for me on a regular basis?! I deserve it! I always tell other people to embrace life so I just need to listen to myself. Time for it to be my season! Time for things to go well! Time for me to be happy! It took a long long (and I do mean long) time to get here, but look at what I have: A good job (in which I'm moving up the ladder-slowly but surely),  a place to live with good people (and I'm in dire need of some friends-other than facebook), I'm going to school to make something of myself, an internship set up for me, and a wonderful boyfriend who loves me. What more could a girl ask for? (besides money) :p Anyway, I'm just happy that in a few weeks, I'll be living maybe 3 minutes from my school and in a house with some awesome ladies. For once, I might just feel like I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be. I think the fact that I needed to move out desperately and Josh's friend in which he hadn't seen in forever needed to rent out a room is sheer fate! Not to mention, she's an uber nerd! I'm so excited, I can't wait. I should probably stop expecting something to go wrong and just embrace it! So here it goes....

Starting over....

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've created a blog and then abandoned it. And every time I have full intent of being an avid blogger, much like I do now, but somewhere along the line it just doesn't happen. It's sad, but I do the same thing with my journals. I start to write in them, fill up maybe 10-20 pages, and then start a new journal. I guess with blogging I don't have to keep spending money on journals. Not to mention, writing kills my hands with the carpel tunnel. So here I am, making another attempt at blogging. It seems fitting to 'start over' right now anyway. There are a lot of changes going on in my life and I'm ready to grab life by the horns! I'm excited to see the direction which my life heads right now. So if you're reading this, follow me on my journey!