The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (not all in that order)

So, as of my last post, I planned to stay positive and keep on truckin. Yea that is a whole lot harder than it seems. I still have yet to find a job. Which I'm getting really nervous about. It's hard to keep my head up above water with this weighing me down. But I keep turning in applications and praying for a call back.

I haven't been as strict as I need to be with my Weight Watchers or exercising. I missed a few of my classes and ate really bad food for a couple weeks. I refuse to step on a scale for awhile so I don't get too discouraged but today I had to put on a belt because my pants kept falling (more than usual) and the best part, I had to go back an extra loop to make it tighter. I was blown away. This weight thing is such a burden. I can't believe I let myself get to this point but this is why I am changing it! I know for the rest of my life it's going to be a struggle but to be able to look at a picture of myself (that I didn't take at a high angle and manipulate to make me look thinner) and not be disgusted is worth the hard work. Besides, I'm starting to like salads! They're aren't so bad. Plus, I haven't gone to a drive thru in at least a month. There have been things like go to Rubios or Red Robin or other sit down restaurants, but these are rare occasions. It is a great feat for me to go from literally driving thru some nasty fast food place 3-4 times a day to just cold turkey! The thought of it actually grosses me out now. Who am I?! :p So the journey continues...next step, lay off the wine!

In the midst of my struggle as being me, I have a hard time feeling comfortable in my own skin. I feel as if I'm judged every time I go anywhere. I know it happens because it's hard not to judge people. We are cruel beings. Most of the time, I scared to go to big events with a lot of people because I'm scared of being made fun of for being over weight (thank you childhood bullies for that). So this weekend, Josh asked me if I would like to go with him to our friend Kenny's house for a movie marathon party/weekend. I was excited and terrified at the same time. I knew a lot of people where going to be there but I also I couldn't keep drowning in my loneliness and depression. How I am suppose to overcome it if I lock myself away in my room all the time? When we got to Kenny's house, you could hear a large crowd from outside the house. I started to have a panic attack and clung close to Josh as we walked in. Immediately a group of people ran up to greet Josh (they mostly all knew him already) and then welcomed me with hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. I immediately pulled out my cell phone sort of as a defense mechanism and text Ashley that I was overwhelmed. Before I could read her reply, I was pulled to the kitchen and we were handed shots of Whiskey. Now, I don't do brown liquor. It is NASTY to me. However for some reason, I took the shot glass. I had my cell in one hand and the glass in the other. I was about to hand it off to someone when I looked at my phone again, and put it in my pocket and took the shot. YUP, Whiskey IS nasty! :) But it was at that moment when I decided that we didn't drive nearly 2 hours for me to sit in the corner and text. So with the phone away, I continued to meet new people. Best part, people would come up to me and talk to me. I felt the insecurities melt away and I was so comfortable. We played games and watched movies and danced and goofed around. It was a blast. There wasn't a need for me to hide behind Josh all night. Matter of fact, we didn't really hang out together as much as me with some people and him with others, then we would all intermingle. Before I knew it, it was almost 3 am and time for bed. A bunch of us piled into Kenny's room...haha well actually 5 guys and then me. Yeah, lots of laughter and inside jokes became of that situation. Anyway, the next morning, breakfast and another movie then off to Vasquez Rock. If you don't know what it is, look it up! Craziness. Although I struggled with the climbing, mostly because I'm not good with heights, I'm not very coordinated and extremely clumsy! But some of the group would wait for me and Josh was very patient with me (at least on the outside but I know he really wanted to be up with the rest of the group...sorry babe). I was so embarrassed that I struggled with it and I was the last one, but Kenny and one of the girls Jen were so awesome to me about it. Jen and I talked about everything (well mostly WoW) and Kenny found other routes that we're not so steep while Josh held my hand or caught me when I needed it. All in all, I only tripped once (banged up my knee pretty bad), I slid maybe two or three times but caught myself and fell on my bum once. Not bad for my track record! Afterwards (when I was about to pass out) I started looking at the pictures I took on the way and grew extremely proud that I was able to do what I did. Most people my weight and with my level of clumsiness would not have survived. I'm pretty damn proud of myself! Take that Vasquez Rocks!!! By the next time, I will be further in my aerobics class and have lost more weight so with my endurance built up I should be able to move a little faster! You have not seen the last of me!!! After that, we went for lunch and then back to Kenny's for more fun and movie madness. Sadly it all came to an end, but before I even left Kenny's, I got a friend request from one of the girls I met. Then I got one from one of the guys. I was astonished because even though I felt at ease and not judged for my weight, in the back of my mind I still had the idea lingering that they were being nice just because. I made a comment to Josh that I was sure that was going to be it for the friend request but as of today I keep getting more and more. Some have even started following me on Twitter. I love it. I loved everyone I met and I'm ecstatic that I walked away with friends (some of which are from The Guild, how awesome is that?!). Nerds really are awesome and I'm so happy to be a part of it all! Thank you everyone for being so wonderful to me and I can't wait until the next time!

Challenge Accepted....

Eight days ago, I turned 28 years old. This caused me to spiral into a deep depression for a few days. All I could think about is how I can't find a job and when I do, I always hate it, and I don't have any money, and my boyfriend doesn't want to marry me, and I have no friends to spend time with, I'm never going to loose this weight, I'm not pretty enough, and so on and so forth. I spent 2 days not leaving my bed but having a massive pity party for myself. Yesterday, I decided enough as enough. I spent a little extra time making myself up by curling my hair and doing a little extra make up and wearing an outfit I thought was cute (even though the boyfriend didn't) but then I spent a great part of the day seeking his approval. So what he didn't like my outfit but he asked why I needed his approval if my goal was just to make myself feel better about myself; why was I so concerned with his approval? I didn't realize how right he was. Then all day I kept thinking about how I've done everything in life for the approval of others. I decided it was time to change that. Other people aren't the ones who live my life so why do I care if my living space looks like a cover on Better Homes and Gardens, or if the music that is blaring is what society says is cool, or if my outfit was this season's latest fashion. Before I went to bed last night I decided I needed to change my way of thinking. Today, when I woke up, without really pushing myself or forcing myself, I did all my laundry, took out all of my dresser drawers and folded everything in them (even matched socks-and I am interested in learning where the partners are to some of them since all my laundry is clean), I organized my closet and cleaned up my room. I sat down afterwards and decided to open up my netflix and see what's good to watch. I was scrolling through my instant queue when I saw a documentary about "The Secret" was about to expire from instant watch. I decided now is as good of time as any to watch it. End result: MIND BLOWN! Different people talked about how to change your life from all the negativity and make it positive. I then realized, I did that without even realizing it. I changed my thought process yesterday about one thing and today, I got out of bed and actually did something. Then I realized that I used to do things like visualize something that I wanted and I would get it. For instance, jobs. In my early 20's (which feels like oh so long ago) I have a string of awesome jobs that I loved and one of them was even just given to me because the owner of that business observed me in my other job and knew I would be a great employee. I used to visualize a job that I wanted and would get it. I wasn't nervous about the interviews or worry about if they liked me, I just knew I would get the job. And I did. This time of my life, I had also lost 60 pounds without really trying. Yes I worked in a sandwich shop and ate sandwiches a lot instead of fast food, but it was the way my life was going. Everything was working together for the better. Only problem is I had a friend that was into some extremely negative things at the time. Unfortunately, I was brought down too. A long series of bad events just kept happening to me and I just became more and more negative. I spent two years in an abusive controlling relationship because I didn't think I could do anything better for myself. I lost all my friends, I lost valuable time with my family, and I lost myself. One day I looked into the mirror and did not like what I saw. It was time to change. I told my boss at the time who I became really good friends with about what was going on and she always encouraged me to change the situation. I made a penpal online because it was something he had no control over and she encouraged me to leave. I started to reach out to friends and even though it took 6 months from the point that I said I needed change to actually do something about it, it happened. I grabbed my stuff and I left. I went through some intense emotional stuff for a long time after that and I am soooo thankful for the people in my life who stood by me. Even though I still went through another bad, well I can't even call it a relationship, but a bad "experience", it brought me to where I am. I still find it amazing that this guy that strung me along for a year with a fake identity, made one wrong turn that made me call him out on everything on a Tuesday and that following Sunday I met the man I am in love with and have been in a relationship with for four and a half years. True it hasn't been easy but most of that comes from being broken into a million pieces when he found me and he's actually taken the time to glue those pieces back together. Sometimes I don't let the glue dry and I shake things up a bit but he's so patient with me and he knows that no matter what I still love him. This brings me to two days ago when in my deep depression, I started a fight with him, via text messages (which are the worst). I started throwing my pity party at him and he, even though frustrated as ever, told me my life is better than over 85% of the population and I needed to stop my bitching. I didn't respond to him because I knew he was right. I talked to him hours later and asked him if he wanted to go to lunch the next day since we needed a date. The next day was the day I spent a little extra time getting ready because I wanted to look good and feel good. This brings me to tonight, when I decided to watch "The Secret". It was pointed out to me that our negativity only brings more negativity into our lives. The more we focus on it, it cripples us and keeps us from ever getting better. It also talked about loving yourself. How can anyone else love me if I don't love myself first. Wait a minute, I've heard that before. That's no secret. The secret is actually doing it daily and making yourself better; being thankful for what you do have and not what you don't have; visualizing a life that you want and making it happen. Yeah, I'm never going to loose weight by sitting here complaining about it, and I'm never going to get out of debt if I let it consume me and no I won't ever get married if I continue to hate myself. I wouldn't want to marry that either. I'm tried and I'm done with all the negativity in my life. It's time to take control and turn it around. I do have so much to be thankful for and I will have more to be thankful for. Time to believe in myself and make it happen. As far as my friend who had brought negativity into my life so many years ago, well she's turned her life around as well. She has a lot going for her but I want to say this: Friend, stop letting the past control who you are today. Stop letting those negative emotions continue to haunt you. I challenge you as I have challenged myself to leave the past in the past and forget about it. Time to focus on the future and all it's gifts! Same for anyone else who took the time to read my introverted rantings that I like to post on the web for everyone to see. Actually, I prefer to just blog anyway. I came to the conclusion years ago that even when I write in a journal, I would write in such a way that I expected someone someday to read it. So now I wear my heart on my sleeve for anyone who's interested. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will take on this challenge of making my life better for myself. "Challenge Accepted"