What defines me?

So I have been getting a lot of grief for some post on Facebook or comments that I have made about "reasons for wanting to be thin". I am told they are superficial and I just need to love myself. This is a very discouraging statement to me being that my whole life I have been told that I am not accepted because of my weight and I need to be thin. Now that I am working so hard towards being thin, I'm told I just need to love myself. This is causing a lot of inner turmoil and confusion. First I want to say, when someone is working so hard for their goals, why criticize them and put them down? Even if the reasoning is not something you necessary agree with, why can't others just be happy that the person is doing something. I spent a great deal of my life, being controlled by my weight. I have always struggled with being insecure and have let my weight hinder me from living a life that I want. I decided I didn't want it to have that control over me anymore and it needed to go. Since I have made this choice, I have been more active, have gone out more, have had my self esteem boosted (even just slightly but enough to notice), and have been more or less happier with myself. Yes I do have superficial goals like wearing a bikini on the beach and that's because I've spent my life in oversized t-shirts and one piece swim suits feeling like a beached whale. Of course I want to be the one in the hot bikini because I worked so damn hard for it. I'm sorry if that offends people but it is what it is. But what people don't understand is there is so much more to this weight loss dream than "superficial" attributes. I am sick and tired of having something in my life that controls me. It is a serious problem for me. It has caused me to suffer from depression and caused me to push others out of my life. It has caused me to hide away from the world and miss out on so much. I used to get winded walking around the grocery store so I just wouldn't go. I never wanted to do anything. Now, I walk a few miles a day, and even started jogging as well. The point I'm getting at here is I'm actually doing something instead of wasting away. I'm actually getting up and working hard. And I feel good about it. Isn't that a good enough reason for me to want to be fit? To feel good and not be depressed? Well, I know that there is more internal issues that I have to sort out that have nothing to do with my weight so my friend encouraged me to make a list of things I like about me, things that have nothing to do with my weight, and then focus on making those things better and letting those things define who I am and not let my body define who I am. So that's my next challenge, figure out what really defines me. Because when this weight is gone, who am I really?

in the right direction...

Starting therapy was the best decision I have ever made. Tonight was my second session and I'm sad that it's already over. She listens to me talk and then points out things; She brought to light that I have a tendency to not let myself feel good about myself. I will start with a positive thought then immediately go negative. Turns out I have internalized judgement from others and just judge myself, and am a bit obsessive over it. I'm not really going to get into everything we talked about but I will say that going is already helping me. And I really like her, A LOT! anyway, she did point out that she can tell that I am fighting to get better and even though I have my moments when I'm devastated, in tears, and not wanting to do anything, that I am struggling to pull myself out of it. She said that I am doing surprisingly well considering my circumstances but we still have a lot of work to do. I really am fighting to get better. I am fighting for me.

I know I have posted this song and quotes from this song, but it's really the only song I want to listen to these days. The lyrics are word for word what I am going through and listening to the song helps keep me in a positive mood. So again, I will post it, because "I'll be alright, just not tonight, but someday..."

Gonna Get Over You - Sara Bareilles

On a different note, I am totally stoked about the fact that I have lost 45 pounds. I had been feeling discouraged and feeling like it really wasn't all that noticeable. The numbers are going down, my clothes are huge, but when I look in the mirror I still feel huge! So I found a picture of me from January before I started eating healthy and working out. I decided to compare pictures so I put on the same dress and had Andrea snap a quick shot of me. Once I put them together, I was blown away! I couldn't believe the difference! I was totally encouraging to me and re-motivated me! I still have over 100 pounds to go but I've already lost 1/3 of my total weight loss goal! How awesome is that?!?! I really can't stop staring at the picture! So I'll just leave it right here for now:

Anyway, so this concludes my blog for now.