I haven't blogged in a long time and for good reason. I felt that if I attempted to pour out my heart with the state it had been in, I would probably say something I would regret later so I just left it alone. Although I am still healing, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I am slowly becoming the woman I want and need to be. With that being said, everyday is a new learning experience for me. Sometimes I fall back into my old habits and when I see that happening, I slap myself on the wrist and say 'stop that!'. There has been a lot of changes in my life this summer and I feel that I want to talk about them now.
First of all, I finally hit a weight loss of 60 pounds!! I love to brag about it! I can't believe how fast I dropped it. But here's the bad part, I stopped losing. Mostly because I stopped being as strict with what I was eating so I am setting new goals for myself and planning on joining the "cheap" gym down the street to start toning the flab!
Next order of business, well, is business! I recently found a new job. If you follow my post on facebook, your know it was a LONG process to get this job but I finally did. I'm not 100% certain of the position title (I think it's team lead or sales lead or something along those lines) but it is on the management team at Lane Bryant and is decent pay. You know what that means? I can start paying rent again! YAY! I am so far behind financially thanks to my previous job cutting my hours. I was making just enough money to put gas in my car, eat, and pay my phone bill. It was pathetic. I really loved the people I worked with but I just couldn't keep drowning. So I am excited for a new start.
Speaking of new starts, I am taking an acting class this semester at school. Growing up I was always real involved in church plays and in school did plays and choir. When I got to high school, I had the worst possible Theater teacher ever and ended up ditching everyday and eventually dropping the class. After that, I did a lot of pantomime dramas with my church for a couple years, then a few years ago did a few dramas at a new church. I've always missed acting and wanted to do it again but as life happened, I lost my confidence. That outgoing girl who played a "Granny" in a junior high musical, suddenly became to shy and timid to even practice in front of the drama team. This led to me giving up, but it was never far from my mind. Over the years, I watched Josh in plays/musicals and always wished I had gotten involved. Time passed and nothing ever came of it, until this summer. Josh was having problems with his bikes so one day I took him to rehearsal for the show he was in, "Grease". As I was there I was asked if I would mind helping out. It became a daily thing and I ended up for 3 weeks going to every rehearsal and helping out with all the back stage things, and I do mean ALL! I painted sets, props, decorated, dug through bins of costumes, ran errands for the director, took notes for the director, took tickets and the door, ran the spot lights and more! It reminded me of how much I LOVE theater life. Every rehearsal, I sang all the songs and wished I was on stage with the cast. I guess that was what I needed because I finally enrolled in an acting class at school. I was afraid and timid of having to get up in front of people but today, the first day of class, it all came back to me. First of all, AMAZING teacher! If I had her in high school, I would have never stopped acting! I am so excited to work with her and learn new techniques and become confident. But I digress; In class it really did come back to me. We did these exercises where you had to make eye contact and slowly move in closer to a partner. My partner would NOT look at me, unless it was my boobs or my feet. I wanted to slap him! But I found it was so so easy to keep a straight face and keep eye contact because I felt that "on stage" feeling. I used to get it all the time. I would laugh and laugh and goof off in rehearsals, but once that music started, and I was on stage, I transformed. That's what I want to get back to. So I am ecstatic about taking this course. Who knows, maybe it will open new doors for me.
Then there's this; I know people keep asking me so I'm just going to put it out there. I keep hearing this question "Are you and Josh back together?" or "Whats up with you and Josh?". Here it is: No we are not back together but he is still one of my closest friends. We've always had an amazing chemistry and we were able to find that again over the summer. He is still a very important person in my life and when you still want someone in your life, it is easy to forgive and forget. People tell me things like "Be careful" or "bad idea" and really, I appreciate the concern, but this is still my life. I am going to live it in the way I see fit. All I need from you, is to say "I got your back, no matter what you decide to do with your life". And that goes for all aspects of my life. I know I don't always make the best decisions, with all kinds of things, but I need to know that my friends are going to love me anyway. Go ahead, say I told you so in the end but let me figure it out on my own, please.
Lastly, speaking of friends...in the preceding months, as I struggled to find myself again, I pushed away a lot of friends. For that, I am truly sorry. I know my negativity was outrageous for awhile and some people needed to get away from that. I have recently reconnected with quite a few friends and for that I am thankful. Awhile ago, I woke up and realized that I wasn't going anywhere by letting myself sink to the ground. I thought I was trying so damn hard but in reality, I knew what I had to do but was sitting it out. It wasn't until I got up and did it, that my life transformed. Like I said, everyday is still a learning experience, but I'll be there, with open arms.
