Why I support love and not hate...

Social media has been in an uproar about the supreme court's ruling on marriage equality. My Facebook feed is mostly filled with celebration however it's also filled with hate comments by people who find it offensive. I'd like to take some time to discuss why I am an ally. Let's take a little journey back in time...

2012, I was 18 and finishing up my senior year of high school when I started working my first job. One of my coworkers, named Chad was gay. He was also catholic and loved God very much. Being that I came from a somewhat sheltered Christian family, and was still really involved with my church, this confused me. I was always taught that homosexuality was a sin and that gays are evil. I guess in my mind they were categorized with criminals. But I ended up loving Chad. He made me feel happy. We would talk for hours, he would sing oldies to me while we worked, also kissed my check and told me how special I was often. How could I possibly hate him? It was a subject that circled in my mind constantly. Around that time, I went on a trip to Arkansas for my uncle's wedding. Our flight attendant was gay. He was also really funny and nice. I watched him intently as he so kindly interacted with the guest on the plane. I know now that he was probably just doing his job and might have gone to the back of the plane to bitch about people like I would do working in retail, but in that moment I was so intrigued. I had little to no exposure to anyone who was gay in my life up until that year so it gave me a lot to think about. I remember writing in my journal on the plane "how could God hate anyone who has so much love in their heart?" Toward the end of my trip, my uncle met up with a his friends who happened to be a gay couple. I just listened to them talk; My mind ran wild with thoughts. I filled a whole journal analyzing Christianity and homosexuality. My conclusion at that time was that no one can chose who they love therefore they do not chose to be gay. Some of my confusion also stemmed from being told that people aren't born gay, they "choose" to be gay. I went back and forth in my head and with God over this. But the bible says we are born sinners. If homosexuality truly is a sin, then doesn't mean they are born into it? From a Christian stand point, we are all born into sin and all have different demons. And God says no sin is bigger than another. So why are we attacking one more than another? America wasn't in this huge uproar over Charles Manson getting married. That man is twisted and full of sin, but it's ok because he's marrying a woman? How does this make sense? 

I've become friends with so many people over the years who are straight, gay, or bi. My friendships were not influenced or affected by their sexual preference. I've seen them love and be devoted to their partner which is just beautiful to me. Not everyone has that in their life. I know for me personally, I have loved someone so much that I have been in physical pain over them. My body aches when that person is sad or hurt. My body longs to see him. I think my heart physical broke over him. He is a force of nature in my life and it's like a magnetic pull to him. Believe me, I never chose him. I didn't choose to feel this way. It just happened. Our souls met one day and life began. But what if it was a woman who came into my life and knocked me off my feet? Does it really matter? Would my family still love me? Would my friends look at me differently? It often breaks my heart to know how many people in my life that I would lose if it had been a woman. 

What bothers me so much is the hate. Christians are so full of hate over this but where is the uproar over murderers and pedophiles or even the corrupt politicians running this country? I didn't see Christians in an uproar over that 19 kids and counting boy who molested his sisters and her friends. No no, that was a huge coverup. That kind of stuff just bothers me. But I digress... My friend posted that Christians should be rejoicing that it's just one more step closer to the return of Jesus. I would much rather see my timeline full of rejoicing for Jesus's return than a pastor saying he's going to kill himself because gays have marriage equality. Doesn't the bible say something about about that too? Christians say to be a light unto the world but your light is not shinning so bright when you are filled with hate. Be happy that everyone has freedom to love who they will and go about your own life. Stop concerning yourself with the life of others. Live your life, love God, and love others. 

Eff Your Beauty Standards!!

The last time I blogged, it was the end of 2013 and I wrote about how 2014 was going to be my year. I talked about the changes I would be making and after going back and reading that blog, I’m excited to look back and see just how awesome this year has been for me so far. I also felt that I wanted to blog because there are a few things I wanted to talk about that are just too long for a typical Facebook status.

Lately, I’ve been posting a lot about body positivity and standing against body shaming. I even found a group on Instagram called “pizzasisters4lyfe” that is all about loving the skin you’re in. Yes, it’s mostly plus sized woman who love pizza (really, who doesn’t?!) but at the same time, it is so much more than that. It creates an opportunity to connect with people who have experienced the same struggles with society’s outlook on what is considered beautiful. I have also chosen to be part of the “Eff Your Beauty Standards” movement created by the gorgeous plus size model Tess Muenster. To be honest, I am not sure how long it has taken me to get to the point where I love the skin I’m in, but I am thrilled that I do. Here is where it gets tricky though. People think just because I’m against body shaming and that I am finally comfortable being who I am, that I have just thrown in the towel on weight loss. This is absolutely not true. What is true however, is my reasoning for wanting to lose weight has changed. My body is not meant to handle the weight that I have and boy does it remind me every single day. I struggle going up the stairs, I get tired really fast, I am always hot, I don’t fit comfortably everywhere, and my stomach seems to always be upset. These are just a few things that I would love to change. But the number one reason is because I LOVE MY BODY. I love that I have one that is fully functioning and I would like to keep it that way. So I continue on my journey of losing weight because I want to be healthy and live long and not because I hate myself.

I think back to times that people have made remarks about how pretty I would be if I lost weight or asking if I really need a second serving of food. Even times when people would grab my tummy while giving me a look as if to say “look bitch, you’re fat and you need to stop”. AND THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY LOVE ME. So I’m not even talking about the dirty judgmental looks I get, the obscene comments that get yelled out to me, or the giggles I hear all from the general public. My whole life I have dealt with it and my whole life I have been insecure, hating myself. Fad diet after fad diet just to be accepted by everyone else while never accepting myself. Not sure if it’s the age thing but I have stopped caring what the world thinks about me. You know what? For the first time in life, I am at peace with myself. That heavy burden of wanting to be perfect always creating anxiety inside of me is gone. I had no idea what being at peace truly felt like until recently. It is one of the best feelings in the world! And with that peace, I am encouraged to take better care of myself so I can do more things. I love being active and have always prided myself on being super active regardless of my weight. But as I get older, the weight makes creates a struggle that I didn’t have before. Now that I have a new niece in my life, I want to get to a place that I am active and healthy and not struggling to do things. Not to mention, I’d love to take her to amusement parks when she’s older without being too large for a ride. Or even traveling; last time I flew I was borderline needing two seats. Airline seats are the worst! Smaller than freaken movie theater seats. Anyway, my goal is to be healthy and active, not skinny just to be accepted by the world.

Another reason I love the body positive movement is that it is also a reminder for me not to hate those who struggle on the opposite side of weight issues. After being picked on my whole life by “skinny” people, I’ve acquired a lot of hate in my heart. So naturally my first instinct is to judge and hate before even meeting the person since I just assumed they were going to make fun of me anyway. That doesn’t make me any better than any of those who picked on me. But as I’ve gotten older I have met “skinny” girls who struggle with self-image just as much as I always have. Whether they can’t gain weight or they’re bulimic or anorexic, or just hate the way they look in general. The point is, society has set these ridiculous standards for what a woman should look like causing millions of women to hate themselves. You know what I say to that? Eff your beauty standards!!! Beauty comes from the inside and radiates the outside.

Be an example to women around you and love yourself and love them! Especially to younger girls. Yes, encourage them to be healthy and take care of themselves but out of love and not hatred for themselves. Be-you-tiful!

2014 will be my year

I'm really excited about 2014. The past few years haven't been the best for me but I feel pretty good about this new year. I'm starting a new job in January, which is a big deal for me. This past holiday I said over and over that it was going to be the last holiday in retail because the stress was more than I care to experience again. People are crazy! Working retail during the holidays really makes me resentful toward my favorite holiday. So now I'll be working Monday thru Friday 9-5...with weekends off!! I am super happy about it! With that being said, I'll be able to get myself on a normal  eating schedule and can go to the gym in the evening.  No more getting out of work at 11pm, hungry and driving thru Bakers or Del Taco! NO MORE! Which means 2014 is the year I get healthy!

This is also the year that I say goodbye to my 20s and welcome my 30s! I am trying to be excited but it's terrifying!!! Turning 30 seems like no big deal to someone who's been there and done that but man, I can't believe this is it! Only a few more weeks. I think I went to the depression experience about it when I turned 29. Like I was depressed of my impending doom. Now I've accepted it. And I'm more excited about it since I'm moving up in the work world; makes me feel like I've accomplished something.

2014 also brings something incredibly special into my life. A niece! I've never officially been an aunt and I'm so excited that I can hardly wait! In April, I'll hold my precious little niece in my arms. It's that start of a new life! And a start of many many amazing memories! I feel so blessed! This is another  reason to get healthy and take care of myself. So I can keep up with and stay active with her.

This year I will make a special commitment to myself to love myself the way I want to be loved. I fully intend on learning to live with myself and getting to know me better without seeking the approval of others. Honestly, it really doesn't matter if you like me or care, if I'm happy, then it's all the matters. And I will be happy with me!

I don't know what else 2014 holds for me but I'm anxiously excited to see!

there you have it...

I haven't blogged in a long time and for good reason. I felt that if I attempted to pour out my heart with the state it had been in, I would probably say something I would regret later so I just left it alone. Although I am still healing, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I am slowly becoming the woman I want and need to be. With that being said, everyday is a new learning experience for me. Sometimes I fall back into my old habits and when I see that happening, I slap myself on the wrist and say 'stop that!'. There has been a lot of changes in my life this summer and I feel that I want to talk about them now.

First of all, I finally hit a weight loss of 60 pounds!! I love to brag about it! I can't believe how fast I dropped it. But here's the bad part, I stopped losing. Mostly because I stopped being as strict with what I was eating so I am setting new goals for myself and planning on joining the "cheap" gym down the street to start toning the flab!

Next order of business, well, is business! I recently found a new job. If you follow my post on facebook, your know it was a LONG process to get this job but I finally did. I'm not 100% certain of the position title (I think it's team lead or sales lead or something along those lines) but it is on the management team at Lane Bryant and is decent pay. You know what that means? I can start paying rent again! YAY! I am so far behind financially thanks to my previous job cutting my hours. I was making just enough money to put gas in my car, eat, and pay my phone bill. It was pathetic. I really loved the people I worked with but I just couldn't keep drowning. So I am excited for a new start.

Speaking of new starts, I am taking an acting class this semester at school. Growing up I was always real involved in church plays and in school did plays and choir. When I got to high school, I had the worst possible Theater teacher ever and ended up ditching everyday and eventually dropping the class. After that, I did a lot of pantomime dramas with my church for a couple years, then a few years ago did a few dramas at a new church. I've always missed acting and wanted to do it again but as life happened, I lost my confidence. That outgoing girl who played a "Granny" in a junior high musical, suddenly became to shy and timid to even practice in front of the drama team. This led to me giving up, but it was never far from my mind. Over the years, I watched Josh in plays/musicals and always wished I had gotten involved. Time passed and nothing ever came of it, until this summer. Josh was having problems with his bikes so one day I took him to rehearsal for the show he was in, "Grease". As I was there I was asked if I would mind helping out. It became a daily thing and I ended up for 3 weeks going to every rehearsal and helping out with all the back stage things, and I do mean ALL! I painted sets, props, decorated, dug through bins of costumes, ran errands for the director, took notes for the director, took tickets and the door, ran the spot lights and more! It reminded me of how much I LOVE theater life. Every rehearsal, I sang all the songs and wished I was on stage with the cast. I guess that was what I needed because I finally enrolled in an acting class at school. I was afraid and timid of having to get up in front of people but today, the first day of class, it all came back to me. First of all, AMAZING teacher! If I had her in high school, I would have never stopped acting! I am so excited to work with her and learn new techniques and become confident. But I digress; In class it really did come back to me. We did these exercises where you had to make eye contact and slowly move in closer to a partner. My partner would NOT look at me, unless it was my boobs or my feet. I wanted to slap him! But I found it was so so easy to keep a straight face and keep eye contact because I felt that "on stage" feeling. I used to get it all the time. I would laugh and laugh and goof off in rehearsals, but once that music started, and I was on stage, I transformed. That's what I want to get back to. So I am ecstatic about taking this course. Who knows, maybe it will open new doors for me.

Then there's this; I know people keep asking me so I'm just going to put it out there. I keep hearing this question "Are you and Josh back together?" or "Whats up with you and Josh?". Here it is: No we are not back together but he is still one of my closest friends. We've always had an amazing chemistry and we were able to find that again over the summer. He is still a very important person in my life and when you still want someone in your life, it is easy to forgive and forget. People tell me things like "Be careful" or "bad idea" and really, I appreciate the concern, but this is still my life. I am going to live it in the way I see fit. All I need from you, is to say "I got your back, no matter what you decide to do with your life". And that goes for all aspects of my life. I know I don't always make the best decisions, with all kinds of things, but I need to know that my friends are going to love me anyway. Go ahead, say I told you so in the end but let me figure it out on my own, please.

Lastly, speaking of friends...in the preceding months, as I struggled to find myself again, I pushed away a lot of friends. For that, I am truly sorry. I know my negativity was outrageous for awhile and some people needed to get away from that. I have recently reconnected with quite a few friends and for that I am thankful. Awhile ago, I woke up and realized that I wasn't going anywhere by letting myself sink to the ground. I thought I was trying so damn hard but in reality, I knew what I had to do but was sitting it out. It wasn't until I got up and did it, that my life transformed. Like I said, everyday is still a learning experience, but I'll be there, with open arms.

What defines me?

So I have been getting a lot of grief for some post on Facebook or comments that I have made about "reasons for wanting to be thin". I am told they are superficial and I just need to love myself. This is a very discouraging statement to me being that my whole life I have been told that I am not accepted because of my weight and I need to be thin. Now that I am working so hard towards being thin, I'm told I just need to love myself. This is causing a lot of inner turmoil and confusion. First I want to say, when someone is working so hard for their goals, why criticize them and put them down? Even if the reasoning is not something you necessary agree with, why can't others just be happy that the person is doing something. I spent a great deal of my life, being controlled by my weight. I have always struggled with being insecure and have let my weight hinder me from living a life that I want. I decided I didn't want it to have that control over me anymore and it needed to go. Since I have made this choice, I have been more active, have gone out more, have had my self esteem boosted (even just slightly but enough to notice), and have been more or less happier with myself. Yes I do have superficial goals like wearing a bikini on the beach and that's because I've spent my life in oversized t-shirts and one piece swim suits feeling like a beached whale. Of course I want to be the one in the hot bikini because I worked so damn hard for it. I'm sorry if that offends people but it is what it is. But what people don't understand is there is so much more to this weight loss dream than "superficial" attributes. I am sick and tired of having something in my life that controls me. It is a serious problem for me. It has caused me to suffer from depression and caused me to push others out of my life. It has caused me to hide away from the world and miss out on so much. I used to get winded walking around the grocery store so I just wouldn't go. I never wanted to do anything. Now, I walk a few miles a day, and even started jogging as well. The point I'm getting at here is I'm actually doing something instead of wasting away. I'm actually getting up and working hard. And I feel good about it. Isn't that a good enough reason for me to want to be fit? To feel good and not be depressed? Well, I know that there is more internal issues that I have to sort out that have nothing to do with my weight so my friend encouraged me to make a list of things I like about me, things that have nothing to do with my weight, and then focus on making those things better and letting those things define who I am and not let my body define who I am. So that's my next challenge, figure out what really defines me. Because when this weight is gone, who am I really?